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With the Bledisloe Scaled Down to 2 Matches, Have Rugby Australia Finally Accepted our Beta Status?

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With the Bledisloe Scaled Down to 2 Matches, Have Rugby Australia Finally Accepted our Beta Status?

DYOR Dave

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This week Rugby Union fans were treated to the news that the Bledisloe Cup would now be only 2 tests, meaning the Wallabies would have to defeat New Zealand both times in order to regain the long-lost cup.

The news was met with an ambivalent response, much like most news about Rugby these days, as, on the one hand, fans can be relieved that it’s one less game to see our nation be pounded into the ground by our little brother neighbours.

However, on the other hand, the news signifies yet another milestone in the slow death of our once-great Rugby nation, it’s an honest admittance that we’re no longer at the level of the All Blacks, and probably never will be again.

It’s a tough realisation for the linen-clad, RM Williams wearing die-hards that still think we can be a top team with a few minor changes to coaches and squads.

But the ultimate truth is that we now belong in the company of beta teams like Wales, Scotland and Samoa, rather than the alphas like New Zealand or South Africa.

It may be a tough pill to swallow, but the sooner we remove the bandaid of Bledisloe hope from the hairy leg of our national pride, the sooner we get to enjoy the smooth skin of playing beta sides and actually winning games.

Life is all about expectation management, if you set low goals you’ll never be disappointed. The climate of Rugby in Australia is so dire that international clashes are rarely expected to produce positive results, and most fans have all but tuned out of the domestic league.

Thus, it would appear that now is the perfect time to transition from the top tier of international rugby to the second tier. Imagine next year, a schedule full of clashes that actually look winnable, it would seem almost too good to be true.

Maybe we'd feel more comfortable playing underdeveloped African nations regularly

 

Naturally, after over a decade of what can only be described as torturous Rugby, fans will still go into these matches expecting a loss.

It’s a risk I’ll admit, if we were to lose to a beta country it could plummet our rugby culture further into the depths of obscurity, but a win could just as easily reinvigorate the nation and, to paraphrase one of the pre-WWIII world leaders, ‘Make the Wallabies Great Again.’

New Zealand are already eclipsing us on the world stage in the political, environmental, and economic spheres, so maybe it’s time they took on the duty of being leaders of the Pacific, and we can sit back and enjoy being an inconsequential yet tropical Pacific Island nation.

Even if we clean sweep our rivals in the first year of being a minnow, I’m almost certain that fans will write it off as a fluke and still expect heavy losses the following year, such is the depth of the traumatic scars that have been left by nearly 20 years of Rugby disappointment.

It would at the very least provide around 5 years of joyful, winning footy, and allow the game to build back the fanbase it so generously donated to other sports this millennium, before the fickle fans eventually start expecting more and demanding a return to Bledisloes.

But then what about New Zealand? Are they now going to assume the role of the Harlem Globetrotters and travel the world embarrassing whatever team stands in front of them? Is that really any different from what they are doing already? Surely even they want to see competitive Rugby and exciting matches, not just endless blowouts and guaranteed victories.

Well perhaps it’s time to take a leaf out of Rugby League’s book and allow players to represent their heritage, bolstering up the stocks of teams like Samoa, Fiji, Tonga, and even Australia (can we please have a few All Blacks as well thanks.)

Alternatively, maybe New Zealand are now only allowed to play invitational sides like the Barbarians, or a pacific all-stars team, and the world cup merely becomes a round-robin where the All Blacks play every day until finally they’re fatigued enough to lose a match.

Whatever the future holds for Rugby Union, it’s clear that change is necessary to maintain some sort of support for the code in our country, because despite its clear inferiority to god’s winter game of Rugby League, it’s still an inescapable part of our identity, and one that desperately needs a glow-up.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #343 – GOAT MOAT

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Two Months After Its Launch, Rugby 12’s Looks Set to Fail Before it Even Starts

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Two Months After Its Launch, Rugby 12’s Looks Set to Fail Before it Even Starts

DYOR Dave

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Back in August, the idea of Rugby 12’s was officially launched by a group of British executives to try revolutionise Rugby while earning them a shitload of money. But before a ball has even been kicked or a player signing, the dream looks to have faded as World Rugby rejected the proposal and refused to sanction the tournament.

You’d be forgiven for not even hearing about this concept thanks to the amazingly minimal promotion or coverage of Rugby Union in Australia, but if this concept were actually to take off, it could genuinely change the game. It has been dubbed the “IPL” of Rugby and while it could bring more fans to the game, it could also mean even fewer fans supporting the 15 man code, which is currently doing everything in its power to self-implode.

The hypothetical game is played with six forwards and six backs each side, and plagiarises rules from both Sevens with drop-goal conversions, and Rugby League with differential penalties on scrum infringements, as well as golden point. Eight teams were planned for the first competition, with a round-robin format taking place across a week and each team playing every day. The teams would be drafted yearly, with an IPL influenced system that players hoped would let them cash in.

Chairman Ian Ritchie looking like every other Rugby executive ever

Chairman Ian Ritchie looking like every other Rugby executive ever

 

In theory, this all sounds great, more money to players, more footy for fans and most importantly more exciting footy. Unfortunately for the executives and the British financial consortium backing the concept, World Rugby has decided that an already packed schedule, as well as a lack of cooperation with unions and clubs, means that 12s will never become a reality. There are also concerns over player welfare within the new tournament, with short turnarounds added to the strain of local, national and international competitions that players compete in

Fans around the world have expressed a complete lack of shock or surprise that this radical concept was rejected by World Rugby, who presides over one of the most traditional and old-school sports in the world. It would seem the old white men in charge of Rugby are still wrapping their heads around the bright colours and fast pace of sevens, we might need a few more years before they can accept another different form of the game.

Representatives from the 12s tournament are still optimistic that they will be able to put on a tournament in August 2022, but they face an uphill battle against the vast majority of Rugby organisations around the world. After all, Rugby Union is an old-fashioned game, so perhaps it’s better that the 15 man code continues with barely a lounge-room full of viewers each game, than revolutionising the sport, selling out to gain more fans and losing the frustratingly true essence of the game.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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Can Quade Cooper Save The Wallabies With His Rugby League Spirit?

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Can Quade Cooper Save The Wallabies With His Rugby League Spirit?

DYOR Dave

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It doesn’t take a tree specialist to know that the Wallabies are well and truly rooted. With another Bledisloe loss behind us, and the Rugby Championship well out of reach, we’re now playing to restore dignity, first against current world champions South Africa, then Argentina. In one final roll of the dice to salvage some sort of pride, the selectors have recalled Quade Cooper, as they look to recreate the days where Australia could actually compete in International Rugby.

The man who was refused Australian citizenship will don the #10 jersey tonight against the Springboks, and many dribblers see this as a step in the right direction for the struggling code. No one is under the impression that the 33-year-old is going to miraculously turn a steaming pile of garbage into Modigliani masterpiece, but the selection of Cooper hopefully signifies Rugby Australia’s new shift towards more Rugby League tendencies, a shift that has been recommended by the strategists at Hello Sport for eons.

It has long been said that Rugby Union is lacking in the areas that Rugby League has in abundance. Scallywag behavior, a tendency for violence and throbbing young hot boys with a killer step and a sneaky flick pass have all been features of Rugby League that have helped it become the most popular sport in the best parts of the nation. Quade is the embodiment of all of these qualities, and in another life, would have made a damn fine Rugby League Footballer.

In 2009, just as Quade’s stocks were rising and he was entrenching himself into the Wallabies team, he showed the first signs that the Rugby League spirit flowed through his veins. In a scandal that would have looked out of place anywhere besides the NRL, Cooper allegedly stole two laptops from a Gold Coast residence, while under the influence of sleeping pills. Quade had announced himself as a rare commodity in the world of Rugby Union.

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If his slick on-field skills didn’t already make him stand out in the gold jersey, then his off-field behaviour was going to make sure of it. Cooper has had his fair share of dalliances with some of Australia’s most sought-after women, including 3-time Olympic Gold Medallist Stephanie Rice. Rice herself came under fire in 2010 for a homophobic tweet in which she referred to the Springboks as “faggots,” but alas the relationship didn’t last, with Quade unceremoniously kicked out of a pub on Stradbroke Island just days after their breakup.

After the high-profile split, Cooper went on to date bikini model Ellie Mcleod and former Miss Universe Australia, Laura Dundovic. It’s fair to say Cooper was punching above his weight in the relationship game, but just as any true rugby league footballer would, Quade decided he’d enter the world of boxing. Thanks to his agent Khoder Nasser, Quade fought on the undercards of Sonny Bill Williams and Anthony Mundine, and earned himself a record of 3-0 all by knockout.

If you’re not already convinced that Quade Cooper is a League player in a Union Players body, how about the fact that he came very close to signing with the Eels for $1.5 million in 2011. It was also reported that he came close to joining the Storm in 2008. Clearly Quade is a unique force in the world of Rugby Union, and bringing him back into the team has already proved a masterstroke, creating narrative, drama and excitement in what would have otherwise been another stale and deflating Wallabies loss.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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The Kicking Tee Dribbler Analyses Noah Lolesio’s Bledisloe Bedshit

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The Kicking Tee Dribbler Analyses Noah Lolesio’s Bledisloe Bedshit

by The Kicking Tee Dribbler

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Here’s a few things about Noah Lolesio and his inability to kick goals for Australia. Whilst I see potential, I also see a case of the classic Rugby Australia Schoolboy gas up. They’ve overinflated him before he’s put runs on the board, or balls through the posts so to speak.
 
The fact he’s already uploaded a ‘Goal Kicking Tips’ tutorial on YouTube whilst dishing up a 2/7 (27%) performance for the Green and Gold says a lot about Australian Rugby. Cadbury sponsorship or not, he certainly doesn’t feature in my box of Cadbury Dairy Milk Favourites.
 
I rewatched the Bledisloe Bungle and a few notes. Lolesio has caught a case of the ‘Townsend Creeps’. I wasn’t aware it’s so highly infectious but Noah sure loves to drag out the kick like a wet week. In his first two splays, it takes him 40 and 55 seconds respectively from ‘Ball on the Tee to Post’. In comparison, in the first kick he lands (albeit right in front), Noah pumps it under 14 seconds. A highly inconsistent kicking routine.
 
Now amateur kickers will argue “He’s right in front, he doesn’t need to take the time…”, but every great kicker sticks to their routine no matter the angle, the distance or the pressure. Watch Reynolds slot 11 goals for the Rabbits this weekend, his ‘Tee to Post’ routine is set in stone, you could set your watch to it.
 

 

Second point, weather conditions. There was a heavy north-easterly wind at Eden Park (See flags). Now in Lolesio’s first few misses, he breaks the golden ‘Adam Douehi Rule’ of goal kicking. COMPENSATE!! The circumference of a Rugby ball is wider, it’s true that a Gilbert has more girth. To use a food analogy, I liken a Steeden to a Bakers Delight Finger Bun, whilst a Gilbert is like a Croissant, it’s got a bit of puff through the middle. As such it’s less stable, so once the ball reaches the peak height of its crescent on Noah’s first kick, the wind lifts the Gilbert right and he misses another one for the country. He needed to compensate for the weather conditions.
 
In conclusion, this time last year I offered up some Pro-Bono work to Rhys Hodge and RA to fix their Bledisloe kicking woes. Clearly, Hodge and the Wallabies were too busy dining corporate lunches and missing goals because I never heard back. So quite frankly as far as I’m concerned, the Wallabies can suffer through another excruciating loss this weekend (it’s on 9Gem btw). I’ll be tuning into the diligence and craft of Croker and Reynolds, as they collectively notch themselves up a few more rungs on the all-time Rugba Leeg point scorer list.
 
Hazem El Magic Forever
Premature YouTube Never

 

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What Was Life Like the Last Time the Wallabies Won the Bledisloe?

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What Was Life Like the Last Time the Wallabies Won the Bledisloe?

DYOR Dave

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Tonight, Australian Rugby fans will partake in the sadistic yearly tradition of watching the pride of our nation be embarrassed by a tiny country full of sheep and flightless birds. For the newer generation of rugby fans, this is what they assume the sport to be. Much like a fish may not know he’s in water until he’s flopping around on land, many Rugby fans simply accept this phenomenon as the only possible reality. Witnessing a Bledisloe triumph over the All Blacks seems as distant a memory as landline telephones or dial up internet, and just as a startled fish panics around in unfamiliar territory, sadly most Aussie rugby fans would be so unfamiliar with a Bledisloe victory that they would turn into a scared, confused, wet and slimy mess.

With two games at the fortress of Eden Park, it seems another defeat is inevitable, so I thought I’d attempt to jog the memory of the punters and dribblers, and give them a taste of what life was like before the dark dynasty of the All Blacks.

In 2002, you may have been on your way to the cinema to see one of the latest flicks including the first Ice Age, the second Harry Potter, My big fat greek wedding, or Adam Sandler’s Mr Deeds. If you switched on the radio you’d hear such new tunes as Nelly’s Hot in Herre, Eminem’s Without Me, Avril Lavigne’s Sk8er Boi and Nickelback’s How You Remind Me. Nickelback’s lead singer would go on to marry and divorce Avril Lavigne, all in the time it took Australia to lose 3 Bledisloe’s between 2012 and 2015.

Technology was rapidly advancing and people were now more connected and wired up than ever. Apple had just released the 2nd gen iPod classic, which could hold a whopping 20GB of songs with its click wheel and black & white screen. In other revolutionary news, the first phones with a built in camera were released, however the pictures were confined to MySpace and MSN, as Facebook, Reddit, Instagram and YouTube had all yet to be invented.

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In the sporting world, a young quarterback named Tom Brady had just won his first Super Bowl and looked like he had a decent career ahead of him. Meanwhile, Steven Bradbury just became Australia’s first Winter Olympic medalist in a feat of pure skill and hard work. Queensland retained the Origin shield after a drawn series that saw man-of-the-match performances from Alfie and Joey, while Lote Tuquiri bagged 5 tries for the series.

Looking back on this period with naive nostalgia can bring joy to even the most soured pessimist in our modern world, and a lot has changed since then. The population of New Zealand has risen by around a million people since the Bledisloe last left our shores, meaning there’s likely to be more than a million Kiwis who have never felt the crushing inferiority of losing at their national sport to a country that should be reminding them of their little-brother status. In Australia, we’ve seen as many Prime Ministers as we have Wallabies coaches (6), with equal amounts of success, while there’s around 6 million new Australians who have lived their entire lives with the Bledisloe Cup across the Tasman Sea.

So as we settle into what is sure to be another year of failure, one can only wonder if one day, just as veterans of the World Wars die out, there may not be a soul alive who can remember a Wallabies Bledisloe win. What will the world look like next time that cup is brought back to its home in Australia?

 

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I can’t name a single player: A Dribbler’s Preview of Wallabies Vs France

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I can’t name a single player: A Dribbler’s Preview of Wallabies Vs France

by The Eavesdropping Dribbler

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Maybe it’s the nostalgia of the early noughties, or my blatant ignorance of current affairs, but I still hope for victories whenever the Wallabies take the field. The golden men of Australia have in times past been the gold standard (pun intended) for rugby sides throughout the world. A dominant force that played expansive, exciting rugby, impressed in the stands and put numbers on the scoreboard.

I’m 28 now and I can distinctly remember Toutai Kefu scoring the winning try against the All Blacks in 2001 to win the Bledisloe and give our Captain John Eales the send off he deserved. Eales kicked the conversion and history was etched into the cup. What a time to be alive. I’m pretty sure I cried when we won and I can’t imagine feeling that way ever again. These were the high times for the Wallabies. A forward pack consisting of Stiles, Foley, Moore, Giffin, Eales, Finegan, Smith and Kefu were the driving force up the field and a lethal backline consisting of Gregan, Larkham (what a man), Roff, Grey, Herbert, Latham and Burke put the points on the board regularly. Matt Burke in particular kicked goals for fun, he was genuinely reliable between the sticks and was supported by Joe Roff who was just as capable. And then the bench had boys like Waugh, Walker, Flatley and Whitaker. That’s impact right there fellas.

Condensed, concentrated and distilled glory. Gentle on the pallet and a gift to the senses (via Fox Sports)
Condensed, concentrated and distilled glory. Gentle on the pallet and a gift to the senses (via Fox Sports)

Rugby Australia have a lot to answer for, it’s difficult to explain how the board could make so many mistakes so consistently and for such a long time. Frankly, It’s an impressive achievement to get so much success and fuck it off so completely in such a short time. But the money should be on the fact that the game is run almost exclusively by a shadow cabal of Ex-Players. It’s a commonly accepted fact that former players have too much say in the running of Rugby Australia, a business. If you’ve spent your prime years trucking nut and taking blows to the head then I’d say you are unqualified to speak on important strategic matters regarding operations of any institution. This is likely what led to the halting of funds trickling down to the junior clubs. Long lunches at Mr Wongs and parties of people sniffing their own farts and getting high on memories of times gone by have polluted the soul of our game.

No money to the locals means no advertising to the community and very few additions of fresh faced kids to the ranks. Alternatively, look at the NRL and AFL. Both spend time and money on recruiting youngsters to the game. Programs like Auskick have been a massive success and have caught kids like my 10 year old cousin who despite living in Sydney is a massive Richmond fan, damn turncoat. That’s how you generate future generations of quality, you need numbers coming in at the junior level.

I could speak on the prevalence of Rugby at private schools throughout the country and how they’ve been a bastion of the Rugby tragic. But don’t be fooled my friends. The accessibility of private schooling to the people is extremely limited, and if you think parents are sending their kids to private school with hopes of representing their country in rugby you are sorely mistaken. They’re sending them there to represent your kids in court and secure a section 10.

The supposed messiah, probably not though (via AAP)
The supposed messiah, probably not though (via AAP)

We’ve plowed through so many head coaches It boggles the mind. Robbie Deans was exciting until we shit the bed, then Cheika got the blood pumping as well until we ourselves were pumped. We’ve swung back to another kiwi in Dave Rennie and I don’t know how much he can polish this turd of a team.

So now we look to the looming Wallabies tour. We play France tonight. Can you name a single French player? I can’t. But that doesn’t mean for a second that I think we can beat them. Half our best players won’t be in the squad cause they all pissed off to Europe where the money is, and I don’t blame them. We have to beat this French team to get the ball rolling and we’re every chance of blowing that, such are the low expectations these days. This all rolls into the rugby championship/bledisloe. A win against Argentina would be nice. I think I can get my hopes up for that. I don’t even want to think about the spring tour in the UK. 

Things look bleak for the wallabies, that’s for sure. But a part of me will always be that kid parked 2 meters from the TV screaming my support for the green and gold. I’ll gear up for this game tonight and hope for the best. And honestly, that’s all we can do. Hope for the best.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site