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Can You Separate the Art from the Artist? Shane Warne the Bowler Vs Shane Warne the Commentator

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Can You Separate the Art from the Artist? Shane Warne the Bowler Vs Shane Warne the Commentator

by Joseph Murphy

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Can you separate the art from the artist? It’s a question that makes the rounds every time it turns out some celebrity is incapable of doing anything productive without also committing an atrocity on the side.

How can we possibly treasure the memories of Shane Warne the cricketer whilst listening to Shane Warne the commentator? How can I reconcile the fact that a man I’ve idolised since I learnt what cricket was, the man who bowled the Gatting ball, the man who won countless test series for Australia, just spent the entire day making me wish he’d shut the fuck up?

Be it refusing to acknowledge that Mitch Starc bowled Roy Burns with an absolute peach, or insisting that England still had a chance to save the innings and score 250 when they were all of 5/not much, Warnie is pissing into the ear of the punter and dribbler around Australia.

Now I’m looking back on 2008, when a long-haired ruffian tipping the top end of the scales had his team chase him through the outfield after knocking over Andrew Strauss for his 700th wicket, with a gnawing feeling that this is the same bloke that refused to acknowledge that a ball that swung half a metre moved at all.

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Warnie’s been dipping into his contrarian box a lot recently, picking hot take after hot take of who doesn’t deserve to be in the rest side. Constant hot takes are a gamble, you’ve got to be right every now and then for people to believe you, or you can just be right on one really hot take.

As a gambler, Warnie knows this, and he kept trying to pull himself out of debt with increasingly hot takes, going so far as to insist that batting was the right decision when England were 7 down, they’d just copped a couple of “unlucky” balls and played shots that weak English test players tend to play were, in Warnies view, were just “uncharacteristic”.

Maybe it will all pass as we get deeper into the summer. I mean, I can still watch Inspector Gadget with the knowledge that Matthew Broderick killed two people in a car accident and only had to pay a $175 fine (allegedly, allegedly).  But if I hear even a suggestion that Jack Leach is on-par with Nathan Lyon, then how will I ever be able to watch the stump-dance again?

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #321 – Crystal Ducks

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“Aussie Pace Trio” Now #1 Search on Pornhub After Incredible Nut Display

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“Aussie Pace Trio” Now #1 Search on Pornhub After Incredible Nut Display

by Goose Gould

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Australian pace trio Mitchell Starc, Josh Hazlewood and Pat Cummins are reportedly in talks with legendary adult film star James Deen about future collaborations following Wednesday morning’s incredible display of nut. 

By midday on Wednesday, the term “Aussie pace trio” was the most searched item on adult website Pornhub all year, while each player saw their profiles skyrocket to the first three positions on the top charts.

Day 1, Session 1 of the First Ashes Test saw an explosion of seed as Starc, Hazlewood and Cummins ripped through England’s top order to leave the visitors reeling at 4-29 before lunch. 

Starc’s arguably premature nut brought the Gabba to its collective knees after splattering Rory Burns’ leg stump with seed on ball #1 before Hazlewood and skipper Cummins edged their way to wickets in the 4th, 6th and 13th overs. 

Word of the trio’s X-rated exploits shot worldwide with keen attention paid across the Pacific. 

it’s alleged United States resident James Deen of having a whopping knob fame reached out to the Herald to flag his interest in collaborating with our test cricketers. 

“I’ve throw some nut around in my day but that session of cricket left me breathless,” Deen told the Herald.

“I couldn’t believe it – seed on wood, cherries popping up left right and centre – so I showed my managers some footage and they’re well keen.” 

Fellow porn icon Johnny Sins agreed, pitching some prospective monikers for the Australian bowlers. 

“I’d work with those boys any day,” Sins eagerly confirmed. 

 “As for names, Josh Hazabigwood and Mitchell Starkers write themselves and while Ol Blue Eyes works a treat for the captain, Pat Cumminside has a certain ring to it.” 

It’s not known whether former Australian skipper Tim Paine’s bulging disc will make him unavailable for selection in the Deen Team but both Americans noted his enthusiasm. 

“We’ll be in touch, for sure.” 

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #320 – 502 Gateway

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QLD BULLShit: Banana Benders Continue to get Snubbed from the Aussie Test Side

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QLD BULLShit: Banana Benders Continue to get Snubbed from the Aussie Test Side

by The Banana Bender Dribbler

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With the controversial selection of Travis Head over Usman Khawaja being released this week by our nation’s new fast bowling skipper, it raises the question. Why do Bulls players constantly get overlooked by the national selectors?

Sure, we have Marnus ripping and tearing on an international scale but our sunshine state produces far more talent than the 9% of test spots we currently occupy. To put that in perspective Blues players account for 54% of our first ashes test IX. 

So where does the problem stem from, are the selectors ‘stateist’ pricks, or do they just have a type and that type is New South Welshman blue-eyed hot boys? Another question is how many runs does a Bulls player actually have to score to lock down a test spot?

Khawaja and Peirson both had the best shield seasons of their careers, averaging 65.71 and 47.67 respectively whilst being overlooked for Travis Head and Alex Carey. The Carey selection should raise eyebrows on stats alone after he averaged 21.86 with the bat this shield season. Combine that with the fact he is a year older than Peirson, who is the superior gloveman out of the two, and you have yourself a state-based conspiracy.

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On the bowling front Michael Neser and Mitch Swepson have been on the cusp of selection for what feels like an eternity but consistently get overlooked for the Blues foursome. Let’s face it, the people at Big Baggy Green have tried to keep the blatant stateist bias out of the public eye for decades but it’s time we exposed it. 

Historically Queensland has produced some elite-level cricketing talent that has been grossly underutilised by the national selectors. The likes of Stuart Law and Martin Love both failed to be given a fair look in the baggy green after averaging 50 at shield level for their whole careers. Law even scored 54 not out in his only innings in the test side before being dropped the following game. 

Though he played 19 tests for Australia, I still am adamant that Andy Bichel could have taken 500 test wickets if he was given an adequate opportunity at the international level. The bloke dismissed Brian Lara four times at a bowling average of 32 and yet holds the unenviable distinction of being the twelfth man for the test side a record 19 times. I rest my case. 

Bulls legends forever, 

Stateist selectors never.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #320 – 502 Gateway

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The State of Origin Purity Pyramid

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The State of Origin Purity Pyramid

by Joey Dribbler

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State of Origin. an exhibition of the greatest talent in rugby league. Each game in the series attracts some of the biggest TV audiences in the country. Why is this the case? Why do blokes ripping and tearing intrigue the average punter more than fake marriages, or weird home-reno shows?

The answer is simple: Origin is hard, fast and full of yarn. 

This year’s origin has been riddled with storylines that have caused fans and journos alike to foam at the mouth. Think about it: what director could ever imagine a bloke with an IQ matching his jersey number cheating on his Miss Australia girlfriend with a ‘dancer’ in Origin camp.  

Yet, perhaps the most devastating narrative arc of the 2021 series has been the eligibility scandal of Ronaldo Mulitalo. After representing the Maroons in a plethora of junior sides, the ARL barred the young Shark just hours before he was set to debut for the Queensland senior side. Such a turn of events had me thinking, ‘is origin eligibility really a hard-and-fast science?

No, it’s fluid – like unset jelly. 

I have devised the following pyramid to help unpack the intricacies of Origin eligibility, ranked in order of purity.

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The ‘Born and Bred Turncoat’ tier

The bottom tier of the pyramid. A kinder person would describe this as the entry point of eligibility, but players in this bracket are traitors.  They are like toddlers, deeply dissatisfied with their toys – snapping their Michano when they discover something better to play with. 

The ‘turncoat’ accusation is one which is serious, and cannot be used lightly – but there’s no word more apt to describe the exploits of players like Greg Inglis. On his day, GI played the game as if it were under 10s junior footy, and he was the only player with chest hair. Yet the bloke was born in the Blue-town of Kempsey, played all of his Junior Footy in NSW, and moved to Queensland when he was 17. If that doesn’t scream turn-coat, I’m not here. 

The ‘wouldn’t bleed for the state’ tier 

Although this tier is not technically the bottom of the pyramid, it entices the most cringe in the hard-core footy fan. The players who sit in this echelon are few and far between. In fact, I can only think of one player who fulfills this niche criteria.

As if playing for a NSW club as a Queenslander wasn’t enough, Kaylyn Ponga has publicly stated his desire to play for the All Blacks. That’s right. He doesn’t want to even play the code, let alone play for his country. Ponga is like the guy who arrives at a party, only to tell the guests that he’s about to duck off to another event. 

Contrast this disinterest with the passion of Ronaldo Mulitalo. The bloke has barely been in Queensland for five-minutes and he’s turned his back on the Kiwis. Is that disloyalty? Maybe – but it’s disloyalty in the right direction.

The ‘Are we sure he’s even a leaguie’ tier?

Much has already been said about the code-wars of the early 2000s. As Rugby League continues to grow in audience size and revenue and Rugby Union swiftly moves its product behind a pay-wall, the spoils of the battle must create the most unwelcome heartache for the few remaining fans of the 15-a-side game. 

Players like Cam Murray and Angus Crighton, emerging superstars of the game, were aficionados of the line-out and the 22-meter line well before they embraced the Steeden. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with being a refugee of the code-war, but let’s be honest: private school haircuts and articulate post-match interviews are not synonymous with the leaguie. 

Are we glad to have the likes of Sam Walker and Joseph Suaali in rugby league? Sure – but let’s not kid ourselves. These cattle aren’t pure. 

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The ‘Dual-international’ Tier

Jarome Luai really scratched the inside of our skulls when he made public his desire to represent both NSW and Samoa. Die-hard Blatchy Blues felt like Jonah Hill’s character in Wolf of Wall Street when Leo reveals that he’s wearing a wire. 

But the high-IQ fan knows that our precious code’s international game is like a dog on pet-rescue: a mix-breed hodgepodge with little regard for purity. James Tedesco played six times for Italy before donning the Kangaroos jersey. Jarryd Hayne represented Fiji both before and after playing for Australia. The list goes on. 

Rugby league is rampant with dual-international opportunists. They aren’t pure-bred, but they are perhaps victims of their own leagueness: a characteristic that Paul Vaughan demonstrated to the wider public earlier this month. 

The ‘plays for his state, but not in his state’ Tier

Is there any greater wig-out then seeing a Bronco lace up for the Blues? 

Maybe they’re victims of circumstance – they’ve had to move interstate to get a contract at a club? Maybe they’ve chased a larger contract? Maybe they wanted the Wayne Bennett experience? 

But let’s be honest, there’s always something off about players migrating across the borders. Like, there should be a policy that players who play for their state, but not in their state need to apologise before they enter Origin camp.

This tier is widespread: Payne Haas, James Roberts, even Queensland skipper Daley Cherry-Evans. However, none of these players surpass the impurity of Fatty Vautin, who represented both Queensland and NSW City. Bit weird. Super impure. 

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The Pure Tier

Mitch Pearce, Paul Gallen, Andrew Johns: not names you would normally associate with purity. But, Punters and Dribblers, these men are what Origin is all about. 

Pearcy: Left his elite private school when he was 16 so that he could play rugby league.

Gallen: Is there anything more leaguie then retiring only to pick up the only sport more inducive of CTE? 

Joey: Do I even need to explain?  

These men are gladiators for the game. They play for clubs in their state, they play for their state of origin, and they all provoke some level of disgust in the general public.  

Sure, molesting a dog, peptides and a bender in broad daylight aren’t going to earn you any brownie points with the Salvation Army. But having a touch of grub is essential to rugby league purity. 

The Gutho Tier 

Here’s some trivia for you: the highest piece of the Egyptian pyramids was the pyramidion – a piece of black granite, covered in gold, and transcribed with hieroglyphics. Is this useful information? No – because the top of this pyramid is no piece of stone: this pyramidon is Clint Gutherson. 

I know what you’re thinking, ‘how could a player with one series to his name, where he played out of position and lost be the peak of origin purity?’

Believe me when I tell you this, Gutho bleeds blue.   

Name a single player in the NRL who, with a hundred-odd games to his name,  would make a Instagram post slobbering over the rep-side which he wasn’t selected for. Who would think, ‘yes ‘#QueenslandersAreLemons is a great caption?’ Not Gutho – because he doesn’t think. He simply #bleedsblue.

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Hell, Freddy even called Gutho into the squad for game three of this year’s dead rubber series. Will he get any minutes? Not a chance. He’s the fourth-best fullback in the side. 

So, what’s the point?  Freddy knows that Gutho is as pure as you get. In a game filled with non-leaguies and red-heads that barely want to play for the country, in a sport littered with turn-coats, this Blue’s side needs a thoroughbred New South Welshmen. 

I have no doubt that Gutho is going to bed tonight, wrapped in his NSW duvet cover, dreaming of the shield, and I have no doubt that the great man will post once more about a series he had little involvement with.

 

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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Cam Munster Needs to go on a Huge Bender if QLD Want to Avoid a Sweep

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Cam Munster Needs to go on a Huge Bender if QLD Want to Avoid a Sweep

DYOR Dave

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It was only 8 months ago that Queensland shocked the nation by producing an upset victory over NSW despite being labeled “the worst origin team in history.”

Yet here we are today and the Maroons are staring down the barrel of an historic origin series defeat, having been embarrassed by the Blues in the first two games, with little hope for a consolation victory in game 3.

Some may say that the inclusion of Trbojevic and the maturing of Cleary have helped NSW improve, while a few injuries have left Queensland worse off, but the key difference clearly lies in the strategy and preparation of Queensland’s main playmaker.

Cameron Munster produced one of the great origin performances in game 3 of 2020 to win his side the shield, and himself the Wally Lewis Medal, but the most heroically impressive aspect of this achievement is that he did it all while nursing the mother of all hangovers.

After he led the Storm to the 2020 premiership, Munster embarked on a bender so glorious that it lasted over a week and earned him the nickname “The Pres” (President). While the party kicked on for the Storm, Munster was forced to turn his attention to the origin arena merely days after the grand final.

After being denied a request to spend an extra day partying and miss the start of Origin camp, Munster set out to train for game 1, an astonishing feat in itself considering he was likely the most bounced-out person on the planet at that point.

Many Blues fans would have been watching scenes from Munster’s celebration and thinking that the after-effects of such an intense bender would disadvantage Queensland in the upcoming series, but they couldn’t have been more wrong.

Analysts at the time had never witnessed a phenomena like this, however hindsight provides conclusive evidence that Munster’s epic bender actually added to his already tremendous Rugby League ability.

The vibes given off at the Sunshine Coast resort where the Storm were celebrating had been absorbed into Munster’s psyche, while supporting players like Brandon Smith, Nelson Asofa-Solomona and even the great Cam Smith were unwittingly being harvested for their footy talents.

After playing all 3 games and helping his side to victory, Munster picked up his drinks and carried on partying, effectively rendering the origin series a short break in the middle of a long bender. What for many is a hallowed tradition and a tremendous honour was for Munster merely an inconvenience that had to be overcome in order to resume yipping and yahooing

So, as Paul Green aims to end his origin coaching career on a high, he needs to throw out the playbook, throw the tackle bags away and put his star playmaker on a strict diet of rack and red. It’s the only way to bring dignity back to the once great state.

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So it Turns out the Big 3 were Holding the Storm Back All Along

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So it Turns out the Big 3 were Holding the Storm Back All Along

DYOR Dave

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It was only three years ago that the Melbourne Storm boasted not just the top three players in the game, but 3 men who had already been touted as future immortals before their career was over.

The dynasty created by Billy Slater, Cameron Smith and Cooper Cronk was unrivalled in its superiority, and the success achieved by these three seemed unmatchable by any team in the near future.

Yet here we are in 2021, 16 rounds into the competition and witnessing a record-breaking season the likes of which haven’t been seen by any club in NRL history.

It seems that among the glory of the days of the Big 3, no one realised that their retirement wouldn’t spell the end of the Storm’s legacy, but instead usher in a newer, better and more successful era.

Some may put this down to new rules suiting their style of play, others see Bellamy’s coaching skills ageing like a fine wine as a reason for this improvement, and while these factors may have played a contributing role, one dramatic shift over the last 3 years has been ignored by the Rugby League masses.

Our team was basically being run by 40-year-olds.

Yes, despite all their skills, knowledge and expertise, there is no denying that at the back end of their careers, the Big 3 were closer to walking sticks than they were to dummies.

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Enter the youthful exuberance of Munster, Hughes, Pap, Hynes, Grant, Cheese, Welch, Fox, Olam, the list goes on and on.

Remarkably, out of the Storm’s preferred starting 17, Jesse Bromwich is the only player over the age of 30.

This new team of young throbbers has already surpassed the success of 2017’s premiership season, with one more win by round 16, and ridiculously, have already scored 9 more 40+ point victories than their previous counterparts.

The fact that this could be achieved while our first-choice fullback and hooker have played less than half the season should scare even the most one-eyed NRL fans.

While the unparalleled footy IQ of the big 3 will be remembered for years to come, the new look Storm is putting their predecessors at risk of being forgotten, as their successful reign is not just being matched by the new generation, but being improved upon as well.

This new school of thought in Melbourne Storm critical theory forces fans to reframe their perspectives of the club’s history. We must honour and recognise the Big 3 for their achievements, but also for paving the way to greater success achieved after the sun had set on their careers.

So as the years roll on, we hope that the exploits of Smith, Slater and Cronk will still be remembered, although it would not come as a surprise if future NRL fans view the Big 3 as merely a precursor to the sheer dominance that followed.

One thing is for sure, if you breathed a sigh of relief as the last of the Big 3 settled into retirement, you were sorely mistaken. The best was yet to come, and it seems like there’s no escape from the Storm’s supremacy, at least for the next 5 years or so.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

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The Dialectics of Origin: Why NSW’s Dominance was Inevitable

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The Dialectics of Origin: Why NSW’s Dominance was Inevitable

DYOR Dave

Gould and Hegel - long lost brothers?
Gould and Hegel – long lost brothers?

As QLD pick up the pieces of their shattered origin dreams, and NSW continue their celebrations, many NRL fans look back and wonder how the tides turned so sharply in such a short amount of time.

Some may say the development of players like Cleary, Mitchell, Trbojevic and Luai have manufactured NSW’s turnaround, while others will claim the retirements of Smith, Slater, Cronk and Thurston are to blame for the downfall of Queensland, but the truth of the matter is that this was all inevitable, and it only takes a quick peek into 19th-century philosophy to see why.

The idea of Dialectics was theorised by German thinker Georg Hegel in order to understand history not as a linear trajectory of gradually progressive movements, but as a wildly alternating pattern of extremes.

For example, In 1919 Germany ousted their Prussian monarchy in favour of the Weimar Republic, and what was once a strictly conservative society made way for the liberal freedoms of the 1920s. Unfortunately for the Germans, these freedoms didn’t last too long, and along came a failed art student with a beta moustache to send the country further back into a fascist dictatorship.

Since then, Germany has flourished into a progressive nation that is welcoming to immigrants, Queers, artists and a lot of people with spacer earrings. These radical shifts in ideology and authority are typical of Hegel’s theories, but also seem awfully familiar to those who have seen the rise and fall of NSW and Queensland in the Origin arena.

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Since the first origin series was played in 1982, there have been four distinct periods of dominance where one state has emphatically reigned supreme.

From 1982 until 1991 Queensland won 7 series to NSW’s 3, thanks to players such as Mal Meninga, Wally Lewis and Allan Langer. Following that, NSW won the next 9 out of 14 series, with Queensland winning only 3 and two series drawn from 1992 to 2005.

After the retirement of Andrew Johns, the Queensland dynasty was born through 8 straight series wins and only one loss in 12 years thanks to a Cooper Cronk injury and a subpar performance from Daly Cherry-Evans. And so we come to the present day, where NSW have won the last 3 series out of 4, and look to be building a dynasty of their own on the back of a host of young throbbers.

Once again, Hegel’s theories have prophesized the unfolding of history, and while many NSW fans may think this is the ‘end of competitive origin’ and they will never lose another series, it’s just another chapter in the saga of Origin.

Unfortunately for Queensland, Hegel doesn’t predict how long each phase will last, so while we may seem destined for a decade of sorrow and misery, it’s good to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is far away.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site