Shane Warne

Unqualified Opinion

January 30 2022

THE MAYO REPORT: Warne Claims he Helped Mitch Starc Win AB Medal by Motivating Him with Negative Comments

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 2022, AB Medal, Allan Border Medal, Buzz Rothfield, cricket, Mayo, Mitchell Starc, Shane Warne, T20, The Mayo Report

THE MAYO REPORT: Warne Claims he Helped Mitch Starc Win AB Medal by Motivating Him with Negative Comments

DYOR Dave

In a not-so-shocking turn of events this week, Shane Warne has revealed to The Mayo Report that he was in fact the key motivation behind Mitchell Starc’s brilliant summer that earned him the Allan Border Medal.

As a commentator, Warne has spent the entirety of the summer making negative comments and under-appreciating the bowling efforts of Mitchell Starc, beginning with his brilliant wicket on the first ball of the summer, after which Warne channeled his inner Stevie Wonder to exclaim “there’s no swing on it.”

While a casual observer may have thought that Warne’s negative sentiments were fuelled by a dislike for the Aussie paceman, he has now vehemently stated that this was part of his genius strategy to secretly coach and improve Starc from afar.

As the self-proclaimed highest authority in Australian cricket, Warne’s approval is seen (by himself) to be the ultimate target for Aussie test players, leading him to devise the innovative strategy that he was certain would pay off.

The Mayo Report was told in an exclusive interview with the spin king, “All the other coaching staff are out here playing 2D chess, I’m playing 8D underwater backgammon and clearly seeing better results.”

Following the release of his new documentary, Warne has ramped up the campaign to earn himself a knighthood, with a rumoured ad campaign to come that features the tagline “Shane Keith Warne is Aussie Cricket.”

When asked by The Mayo Report what his next project would be, Warne had bold ambitions and said “I’m gonna try sort out Will Pucovski’s concussion, this whole CTE thing can’t be too complicated… I’ve done more damage to my brain than most cricketers and I’m still as smart as ever.”

When asked for comment, Starc issued a statement in conjunction with Cricket Australia representatives which simply read, “whatever you say Warnie.”

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Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #335 – Treading Water

December 24 2021

HOT TAKE: Why We Need Warnie As a Commentator

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion Ashes, australia, Commentary, cricket, Dribbler, england, Shane Warne, Warnie

HOT TAKE: Why We Need Warnie As a Commentator

DYOR Dave

The 2021 Ashes series has so far been a tidal wave of success and happiness for Aussie fans. Despite injuries, covid scares, and uncertain openers, the team has easily powered through England in the first two tests, and are looking likely to do the same again this week.

If you ask most Aussie dribblers what the worst part about this series has been, I can guarantee you that Shane Warne’s commentary would be their outstanding lowlight. Between his hatred for Mitchell Starc, his pointless tangents that take priority over actual commentary, and his thinly-veiled advances at Isa Guha, he’s once again leaving his mark on an Ashes series.

Herein lies the conundrum: How can we as dribblers come to terms with a man of such immense stature, a man who’s contributed so much to the sporting and dribbling community, becoming so universally disliked?

Just as Warnie has cast a small black shadow over this otherwise flawless series, so has he begun to chisel away at the pristine career that has for decades pushed the boundaries of what an elite sportsman can be. His antics always delivered wild yarns without crossing over into offensive or malicious areas, and considering his performance on the pitch never disappointed, it was always play on for Warnie.

I don't see Mark Howard ripping any billies with his face on them

For so long, Warne was the tallest of poppies, an unassailable dribbler who couldn’t be faulted, until now… but that’s ok. Australians love nothing more than cutting down a tall poppy, it’s part of our history and our heritage. We’re not a society who says that our leaders are saviours of the world or chosen by god, we give them as much vitriol as we would the bloke who’s taking too long to order a schnitty in front of you at a pub.

Would we really accept that one of our cultural heroes is some sort of perfectly righteous and all-knowing demigod? Of course not! He’s a dribbler just like the rest of us, spouting unqualified opinion and unwavering bias… and that’s why we love him. How much less would we, as dribblers, have to talk about this series if it wasn’t for Warnie’s commentary?

Warnie is such a strong and true dribbler that his dribble provides the foundational dribble upon which we as a community can build our own dribble on. He is a gift given to us by the gods of dribble, but just like anything in this world, be it Warnie’s career or this Ashes series, the good cannot exist without the bad.

Shane Warne is Yin and Yang. Shane Warne is the King of Spin and the dunce of dribble. Shane Warne is as true an Aussie dribbler as they come, and we wouldn’t want it any other way.

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #325 – Covid Nangs

December 10 2021

Can You Separate the Art from the Artist? Shane Warne the Bowler Vs Shane Warne the Commentator

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 5th test, Ashes, australia, Commentator, cricket, england, Josh Hazlewood, Mitchell Starc, Nathan Lyon, Pat Cummins, Perth, qld, queensland, Shane Warne, sheffield shield, Usman Khwaja, venue

Can You Separate the Art from the Artist? Shane Warne the Bowler Vs Shane Warne the Commentator

by Joseph Murphy

Can you separate the art from the artist? It’s a question that makes the rounds every time it turns out some celebrity is incapable of doing anything productive without also committing an atrocity on the side.

How can we possibly treasure the memories of Shane Warne the cricketer whilst listening to Shane Warne the commentator? How can I reconcile the fact that a man I’ve idolised since I learnt what cricket was, the man who bowled the Gatting ball, the man who won countless test series for Australia, just spent the entire day making me wish he’d shut the fuck up?

Be it refusing to acknowledge that Mitch Starc bowled Roy Burns with an absolute peach, or insisting that England still had a chance to save the innings and score 250 when they were all of 5/not much, Warnie is pissing into the ear of the punter and dribbler around Australia.

Now I’m looking back on 2008, when a long-haired ruffian tipping the top end of the scales had his team chase him through the outfield after knocking over Andrew Strauss for his 700th wicket, with a gnawing feeling that this is the same bloke that refused to acknowledge that a ball that swung half a metre moved at all.

Warnie’s been dipping into his contrarian box a lot recently, picking hot take after hot take of who doesn’t deserve to be in the rest side. Constant hot takes are a gamble, you’ve got to be right every now and then for people to believe you, or you can just be right on one really hot take.

As a gambler, Warnie knows this, and he kept trying to pull himself out of debt with increasingly hot takes, going so far as to insist that batting was the right decision when England were 7 down, they’d just copped a couple of “unlucky” balls and played shots that weak English test players tend to play were, in Warnies view, were just “uncharacteristic”.

Maybe it will all pass as we get deeper into the summer. I mean, I can still watch Inspector Gadget with the knowledge that Matthew Broderick killed two people in a car accident and only had to pay a $175 fine (allegedly, allegedly). But if I hear even a suggestion that Jack Leach is on-par with Nathan Lyon, then how will I ever be able to watch the stump-dance again?

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #321 – Crystal Ducks

October 21 2021

10 Pictures of Celebrities Who’ve Copied Warnie’s Look

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion Ashes, australia, cricket, Lookalikes, Shane Keith, Shane Warne, Spin King, Warnie

10 Pictures of Celebrities Who’ve Copied Warnie’s Look

DYOR Dave

Shane Warne is a man of many talents. As well as his eventful history in cricket, Warnie has excelled in other fields such as golf, commentary, sex, hair regrowth, cigarette magic tricks, and of course fashion. Warnie has rocked almost as many looks as he’s taken wickets, so it’s no wonder that he’s encountered a few copycats along the way. It should surprise no one that people are trying to emulate the spin king, as his iconic appearance has no doubt helped him both on and off the pitch.

Warnie has had chong sessions that lasted longer than his Akermanis beard

If anyone can bring sexyback its Warnie

Jules Lund of Getaway fame

Mark Cosgrove: Cult Cricketer

That's some Nice flutin' Warnie

Trigger warning

I'm assuming everyone on Australian TV has been hit on by one of these men

How many Achy Breaky Hearts has the Spin King broken?

Look at this photograph, everytime I do it makes me laugh. what the fuck is up with his eyes

I can't even tell who's who

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August 18 2021

Who replaces Justin Langer if he gets Rissoled?

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion Ashes, australia, Coach, cricket, Justin Langer, Shane Warne, Summer

Who replaces Justin Langer if he gets Rissoled?

by Intern Brayden

As Summer approaches, it’s safe to say that the Australian Cricket Team is in a concerning form slump. In all formats of the game our national side has struggled, beginning in January with a Test Series loss to a Kohli-less India, to most recently dishing up our worst ever T20 performance falling to Bangladesh. All Australian’s are proud of our men in Merino wool, which is why something must change. In a result driven business, fingers start to get pointed, and unfortunately in most cases they point to the Coach.

Taking over at arguably the most difficult period in Australia’s cricketing history, losing star players, Langer was dealt a cruel hand and the pressure was on from the get-go. From the outside looking in, it seems this pressure is finally starting to creep up on JL and with an extremely important few months ahead that includes a World Cup and Ashes Series, we can’t afford to be off our game. We wish the best for Justin this Summer but if changes are needed, I have compiled a shortlist of candidates for the top job to help out our national selectors.

Ricky Ponting – Aged 46, 168 Tests, 13,378 runs @ 51.85

Australia’s all-time leading runs scorer and a childhood hero to most of the squad, Ricky commands respect. It’s certainly not our pacemen letting us down and being a batsman himself, I believe Ricky will bring invaluable experience and knowledge to the team. One reason he was overlooked for Langer is his hesitation in spending time away from his young family, however his priorities may have shifted in these 3 years, so is now the right time for Ricky to go the big lift?

Shane Warne – Aged 51, 145 Tests, 708 wickets @ 25.4

There are two different types of coaches – tacticians, and man managers. Whilst there is no doubting Warnie’s ability to spin a Kookaburra into next week, he is known just as well for his performances off the pitch as on it. Anyone who has watched ‘The Test’ would have seen first-hand the volatile nature of Langer’s coaching style. Likely more relaxed than Justin, Shane could provide the team with more of a tranquil environment which may be just what his players need. Currently coaching the London Spirit in England’s ‘The Hundred’ competition, could the leap to head honcho of the Australian side be the natural progression for Warnie?

Steve Smith – Aged 32, 77 Tests, 7,540 runs @ 61.8

We’ve all forgiven Steve, haven’t we? He has well and truly bounced back from Cape Town 2018 to continue to rip and tear for his nation. I’m far from suggesting Smudge hangs up the gloves, I’m simply putting forth the idea of a captain-coach role. Smudge isn’t getting any younger and although he’s showing little sign of slowing down, his time in the international game is limited. Finding himself a coaching role, surrounded by assistants to get through the grunt work would make for a seamless transition post-retirement, and I don’t think we can rule that option out.

Wayne Bennett – Aged 71, 877 Games Coached @ 62%

It’s tough to stomach the thought of the great Wayne Bennett taking a year off coaching. If anyone knows how to pick a side out of the mud and turn them around, nobody is more proven than Wayne. Having already coached the national side in Rugby League, Wayne is familiar with the responsibility that comes with the top job. The best in the business at dealing with pressure, managing selection decisions, and dealing with difficult personalities are all transferrable skills that would see Wayne excel in this position.

Matthew Hayden – Age 69, 103 Tests, 8,625 runs @ 50.7

If there’s anyone who knows how to swing a willow, it’s the man with the broadest shoulders in the known universe. Occupying the opening batsmen spot in one of the most dominant sporting teams in history for over a decade, and holding the record for the highest total by an Australian, it’s fair to say Hayden oozes success. Off the field, he’s a man in touch with nature, and his country lifestyle and homely presence could bring a calming aura to the team in times of pressure. As long as the players don’t mind swapping their yoga sessions for prayer sermons, Haydos could fit in well.

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