Mitchell Starc

Unqualified Opinion

January 30 2022

THE MAYO REPORT: Warne Claims he Helped Mitch Starc Win AB Medal by Motivating Him with Negative Comments

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 2022, AB Medal, Allan Border Medal, Buzz Rothfield, cricket, Mayo, Mitchell Starc, Shane Warne, T20, The Mayo Report

THE MAYO REPORT: Warne Claims he Helped Mitch Starc Win AB Medal by Motivating Him with Negative Comments

DYOR Dave

In a not-so-shocking turn of events this week, Shane Warne has revealed to The Mayo Report that he was in fact the key motivation behind Mitchell Starc’s brilliant summer that earned him the Allan Border Medal.

As a commentator, Warne has spent the entirety of the summer making negative comments and under-appreciating the bowling efforts of Mitchell Starc, beginning with his brilliant wicket on the first ball of the summer, after which Warne channeled his inner Stevie Wonder to exclaim “there’s no swing on it.”

While a casual observer may have thought that Warne’s negative sentiments were fuelled by a dislike for the Aussie paceman, he has now vehemently stated that this was part of his genius strategy to secretly coach and improve Starc from afar.

As the self-proclaimed highest authority in Australian cricket, Warne’s approval is seen (by himself) to be the ultimate target for Aussie test players, leading him to devise the innovative strategy that he was certain would pay off.

The Mayo Report was told in an exclusive interview with the spin king, “All the other coaching staff are out here playing 2D chess, I’m playing 8D underwater backgammon and clearly seeing better results.”

Following the release of his new documentary, Warne has ramped up the campaign to earn himself a knighthood, with a rumoured ad campaign to come that features the tagline “Shane Keith Warne is Aussie Cricket.”

When asked by The Mayo Report what his next project would be, Warne had bold ambitions and said “I’m gonna try sort out Will Pucovski’s concussion, this whole CTE thing can’t be too complicated… I’ve done more damage to my brain than most cricketers and I’m still as smart as ever.”

When asked for comment, Starc issued a statement in conjunction with Cricket Australia representatives which simply read, “whatever you say Warnie.”

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December 10 2021

Can You Separate the Art from the Artist? Shane Warne the Bowler Vs Shane Warne the Commentator

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 5th test, Ashes, australia, Commentator, cricket, england, Josh Hazlewood, Mitchell Starc, Nathan Lyon, Pat Cummins, Perth, qld, queensland, Shane Warne, sheffield shield, Usman Khwaja, venue

Can You Separate the Art from the Artist? Shane Warne the Bowler Vs Shane Warne the Commentator

by Joseph Murphy

Can you separate the art from the artist? It’s a question that makes the rounds every time it turns out some celebrity is incapable of doing anything productive without also committing an atrocity on the side.

How can we possibly treasure the memories of Shane Warne the cricketer whilst listening to Shane Warne the commentator? How can I reconcile the fact that a man I’ve idolised since I learnt what cricket was, the man who bowled the Gatting ball, the man who won countless test series for Australia, just spent the entire day making me wish he’d shut the fuck up?

Be it refusing to acknowledge that Mitch Starc bowled Roy Burns with an absolute peach, or insisting that England still had a chance to save the innings and score 250 when they were all of 5/not much, Warnie is pissing into the ear of the punter and dribbler around Australia.

Now I’m looking back on 2008, when a long-haired ruffian tipping the top end of the scales had his team chase him through the outfield after knocking over Andrew Strauss for his 700th wicket, with a gnawing feeling that this is the same bloke that refused to acknowledge that a ball that swung half a metre moved at all.

Warnie’s been dipping into his contrarian box a lot recently, picking hot take after hot take of who doesn’t deserve to be in the rest side. Constant hot takes are a gamble, you’ve got to be right every now and then for people to believe you, or you can just be right on one really hot take.

As a gambler, Warnie knows this, and he kept trying to pull himself out of debt with increasingly hot takes, going so far as to insist that batting was the right decision when England were 7 down, they’d just copped a couple of “unlucky” balls and played shots that weak English test players tend to play were, in Warnies view, were just “uncharacteristic”.

Maybe it will all pass as we get deeper into the summer. I mean, I can still watch Inspector Gadget with the knowledge that Matthew Broderick killed two people in a car accident and only had to pay a $175 fine (allegedly, allegedly). But if I hear even a suggestion that Jack Leach is on-par with Nathan Lyon, then how will I ever be able to watch the stump-dance again?

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December 8 2021

“Aussie Pace Trio” Now #1 Search on Pornhub After Incredible Nut Display

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 5th test, Ashes, australia, cricket, england, Josh Hazlewood, Mitchell Starc, Nathan Lyon, Pat Cummins, Perth, qld, queensland, sheffield shield, Usman Khwaja, venue

“Aussie Pace Trio” Now #1 Search on Pornhub After Incredible Nut Display

by Goose Gould

Australian pace trio Mitchell Starc, Josh Hazlewood and Pat Cummins are reportedly in talks with legendary adult film star James Deen about future collaborations following Wednesday morning’s incredible display of nut.

By midday on Wednesday, the term “Aussie pace trio” was the most searched item on adult website Pornhub all year, while each player saw their profiles skyrocket to the first three positions on the top charts.

Day 1, Session 1 of the First Ashes Test saw an explosion of seed as Starc, Hazlewood and Cummins ripped through England’s top order to leave the visitors reeling at 4-29 before lunch.

Starc’s arguably premature nut brought the Gabba to its collective knees after splattering Rory Burns’ leg stump with seed on ball #1 before Hazlewood and skipper Cummins edged their way to wickets in the 4^th, 6^th and 13^th overs.

Word of the trio’s X-rated exploits shot worldwide with keen attention paid across the Pacific.

it’s alleged United States resident James Deen of having a whopping knob fame reached out to the Herald to flag his interest in collaborating with our test cricketers.

“I’ve throw some nut around in my day but that session of cricket left me breathless,” Deen told the Herald.

“I couldn’t believe it – seed on wood, cherries popping up left right and centre – so I showed my managers some footage and they’re well keen.”

Fellow porn icon Johnny Sins agreed, pitching some prospective monikers for the Australian bowlers.

“I’d work with those boys any day,” Sins eagerly confirmed.

“As for names, Josh Hazabigwood and Mitchell Starkers write themselves and while Ol Blue Eyes works a treat for the captain, Pat Cumminside has a certain ring to it.”

It’s not known whether former Australian skipper Tim Paine’s bulging disc will make him unavailable for selection in the Deen Team but both Americans noted his enthusiasm.

“We’ll be in touch, for sure.”

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