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The Mayo Report: ‘Sorry I was Wrong, But Everyone Else is Still Way More Wrong Than I Have Ever Been’

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The Mayo Report: ‘Sorry I Was Wrong, But Everyone Else is Still Way More Wrong Than I Have Ever Been’

DYOR Dave

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The first weekend of Rugby League action provided plenty of upsets and surprises, although the most shocking of revelations came during NRL 360 on Monday night, where the Mayo Man himself Buzz Rothfield actually owned up to a mistake and apologised.

Last Monday, Buzz spread a thick layer of mayo over a story about the Bulldogs’ supposed lack of training technologies when James Hooper said “Just about every club uses drones now”

Rothfield then replied whilst dripping in egg, oil and vinegar: “Yeah Well Canterbury Don’t.”

Gould, clearly not a fan of mayo, responded almost immediately, posting two videos to his Twitter of drone footage from Bulldogs training, as well as one of the players reviewing said drone footage.

While Buzz is no stranger to being proven wrong on a weekly basis, he was essentially forced into an on-air apology by NRL 360 co-hosts Braith Anasta and Michael Ennis.

Deflecting the blame immediately, Buzz said, “You’ve got to put your hand up here, I got some bum mail last week, I got my wires crossed and I said Canterbury didn’t train with a drone.”

For a moment it seemed like Buzz was having a genuine moment of self-reflection and humility, but he soon returned to regular scheduled programming and unloaded on Gus Gould, the man who proved him wrong.

“You know what we all make mistakes – I’ll tell you about Gus, Gus sacked Ivan Cleary as a coach, didn’t think he could win a comp. that was a mistake… You know what else Gus did, He extended Anthony Griffin for three years and ten weeks later sacked him, and cost Penrith 1.5 million to pay him out, he makes mistakes too.”

 

He finished off his solemn and respectful admission with a clearly genuine apology: “I apologise, are you happy?”

After the show, reports suggest that the Mayo Man was spotted in the corner of his office, crying in the fetal position, his body apparently sent into shock by the admittance of any personal fault.

Hello Sport Herald has since caught up with Mr Mayo, who is now calling out the unfair treatment he is facing, for breaking essentially the only rule of journalism – don’t lie.

“I don’t see why I’m the one copping it when it was Gus who didn’t shout a round of drinks at the Penrith League’s club in September 1971, I mean who’s the real criminal here?”

The Mayo Man continued, “I may have been wrong about the Bulldogs, Gus Gould, and most of the other things I’ve said in my career, but right now Vladimir Putin is committing war crimes in Eastern Europe, so to call me out while that is going on is nothing short of pure evil, and I won’t stand for it.”

The feud between Gould and Rothfield is an exciting prospect for fans, as they can now enjoy the titanic clash of thoroughbreds during matches on the weekend, and also witness a battle equivalent to a 300-year-old tortoise against a one-armed sloth during the week.

It is unclear whether Rothfield apologised out of genuine remorse, or whether Gould is currently blackmailing him with even more pictures of Buzz alongside strippers, but fans will be eagerly waiting to see if this trend continues, or if Buzz goes back to his old ways.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #347 – Stargazers

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THE MAYO REPORT: Warne Claims he Helped Mitch Starc Win AB Medal by Motivating Him with Negative Comments

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THE MAYO REPORT: Warne Claims he Helped Mitch Starc Win AB Medal by Motivating Him with Negative Comments

DYOR Dave

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In a not-so-shocking turn of events this week, Shane Warne has revealed to The Mayo Report that he was in fact the key motivation behind Mitchell Starc’s brilliant summer that earned him the Allan Border Medal.

As a commentator, Warne has spent the entirety of the summer making negative comments and under-appreciating the bowling efforts of Mitchell Starc, beginning with his brilliant wicket on the first ball of the summer, after which Warne channeled his inner Stevie Wonder to exclaim “there’s no swing on it.”

While a casual observer may have thought that Warne’s negative sentiments were fuelled by a dislike for the Aussie paceman, he has now vehemently stated that this was part of his genius strategy to secretly coach and improve Starc from afar.

As the self-proclaimed highest authority in Australian cricket, Warne’s approval is seen (by himself) to be the ultimate target for Aussie test players, leading him to devise the innovative strategy that he was certain would pay off.

The Mayo Report was told in an exclusive interview with the spin king, “All the other coaching staff are out here playing 2D chess, I’m playing 8D underwater backgammon and clearly seeing better results.”

Following the release of his new documentary, Warne has ramped up the campaign to earn himself a knighthood, with a rumoured ad campaign to come that features the tagline “Shane Keith Warne is Aussie Cricket.”

When asked by The Mayo Report what his next project would be, Warne had bold ambitions and said “I’m gonna try sort out Will Pucovski’s concussion, this whole CTE thing can’t be too complicated… I’ve done more damage to my brain than most cricketers and I’m still as smart as ever.”

When asked for comment, Starc issued a statement in conjunction with Cricket Australia representatives which simply read, “whatever you say Warnie.”

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #335 – Treading Water

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THE MAYO REPORT: Kalyn Ponga Fined for Shocking Early Exit at Knights Bonding Session

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THE MAYO REPORT

Kalyn Ponga Fined for Shocking Early Exit at Knights Bonding Session

by DMC Duggs

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A trusted source of the Newcastle Knights has revealed to Mr Mayo that Kalyn Ponga has been fined for leaving a team bonding session early. It was Friday the 26th of November where the Knights team decided to go to the Cambridge Hotel for some drinks to celebrate their hard training session. It was at around 8 pm when Kalyn decided to call an Uber back to his 3 story Mereweather mansion, where he would spend time with his newly found partner. This unspeakable act left his teammates stranded and dumbfounded by his actions. 

When talking to the players about the incident, some of his teammates were outraged and had this to say 

“I was shocked, he just finished his dinner and left. The bloke wasn’t even drinking beer, he was having this American thing called a Whiteclaw”.  

The management of the club decided a $5000 fine would be a fair punishment for Ponga, as they want to set high standards for their club’s culture. The money from the fine will be used to develop a bar tab where senior and junior players can purchase drinks and grow together as a team. 

A senior Newcastle board member had this to say:

“We were really disappointed with the actions of Kayln Ponga on Friday the 27th of November. Even though he is 23 years old, the boys in the team look to him as a leader on and off the field. With the departure of Mitchell Pearce, we need Kayln more than ever to step up into his leadership role and to provide value off the field. Kayln was fined $5000 dollars and will attend weekly beer-drinking sessions with Andrew Johns to help him to get back to normal. We want everyone to know that the club does take these issues seriously and that Kalyn Ponga will be back to his usual self in no time. 

Insider sources have reported that Ponga isn't taking the break up too well

Insider sources have reported that Ponga isn't taking the break up too well

 

Some of the players were understanding of Kalyn’s situation, given the recent divorce from his best friend Connor Watson. New information revealed by Newcastle has revealed that Kayln hasn’t been the same since Connor announced his departure from the Knights, where the news sent shockwaves through the team. 

Some of Kaylns friends had this to say:

“Whilst I don’t agree with his actions, I can understand why he did it. He needs to fill the 5ft 3 void left by Connor Watson, so I don’t blame him for leaving early”. 

Whilst the team has mixed feelings about this incident, the fact remains that Newcastle Knights want to stamp this behaviour out as soon as possible and aim to improve their sides bonding activities. A poll on the very reliable and trusted “Punters & Dribblers” Facebook page revealed that the public agree with Newcastle’s stance, as 66% of people agreed that he should be fined for his actions. 

This highlights one of the growing issues in Rugby League, which is the lack of bonding sessions between current NRL players.

A former Bulldogs and Raiders player now turned coach stated:

“This is the problem with Rugby League in 2021. During the late 80s, I once fought my whole team when they decided to call it an early night. Luckily I won the fight and we stayed drinking until the captain’s run.”  

Overall it’s time for players to come together and to commit to their teams bonding sessions. As the other clubs should take notes and follow in Newcastle’s footsteps, making their players accountable for their actions.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #318 – Hacked

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Who Should be in A Rugby League Big Brother House?

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Who Should be in A Rugby League Big Brother House?

DYOR Dave

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Channel 7 has been enjoying vast numbers of viewers thanks to their Olympic coverage, and the execs have clearly used all their supreme intellect to decide what would be best to keep those viewers engaged after the sports have finished. They’ve rolled out the brown carpet for a group of ‘celebrities’ that they’ve dredged out the sewer of obscurity to partake in the new season of Big Brother. These household names include 4 recycled reality TV stars, 3 models, two actors of little fame alongside Caitlyn Jenner and Matt Cooper.

While this lineup does nothing but drive away the rational viewer, the inclusion of Matt Cooper begs the question: Why not have a Big Brother Rugby League house? Replace the scripted superficial drama with rugby league drama. Give the boys the house and a lot of booze, maybe allow them to bring in some ‘dancers’ and other friends just to spice things up. It’ll be the most-watched show in the nation, so I thought I’d give a few suggestions of who could help bring the Rugby League soap opera to life.

Cameron Munster

The man who took a break in the middle of a bender to win an Origin series will surely be a heavy favourite to win, if for no other reason than his sheer stamina. Some say he’s a grub, others say he’s just cheeky, perhaps a ruling can be made once and for all in the Rugby League House.

John Hopoate

No group of Rugby League personalities would be complete without Hoppa. His unique brand of proudly rectal humour means he’ll be willing to lean into even the most lowbrow of moments. His loyalty, passion and confidence in his own research skills will make him a vital inclusion to the house, although entering a confined space with other people may require him to be vaccinated, which could lead to drama before he’s even entered the show.

Adam Elliott

It would be rude to have a gathering of the kings of off-season footy and not invite the sheriff himself. Boasting the undisputed largest hog in the competition, this inclusion is sure to fill the other contestants with emotions of inferiority, and if the viewer’s lucky enough, they may even catch a small glimpse of his large pipe.

Roger Fabri

The wild card. Who knows what inviting Rog into the house could bring, besides many pairs of fishnet stockings and maybe a few wandering old men. The addition of Roger adds additional layers to an otherwise shallow format. He could find love, he could find friends, he could find inner peace, or he could find himself with a criminal record. Any outcome is sure to be entertaining.

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Buzz Rothfield

Putting aside the worry that having Buzz alone in a house with Rugby League players could lead to him being beaten to a pulp, Buzz would be an exciting tradition. His lifetime working in rumours and hearsay is a recipe for drama, and his experience in the field of what is essentially already a reality show will allow him to divide and perhaps conquer his enemies in the house.

Joey Johns

The OG Rugby League party boy, Joey has the experience, the skills and the contacts to make sure the house never runs dry, and the music never stops. Not inviting such an influential figure of the off-field game would be a crime unforgivable by most dribblers, and his inclusion would bring with it the radiant aura that only an immortal can.

Will Chambers

Every reality show needs a villain, and who better than arguably the most hated man in the league. Having made a career out of getting under the skin of the opposition, and still honing his skills late in his career, Chambers is sure to bring the drama and his signature brand of grubbiness to the house.


Brandon Smith

Who doesn’t love the cheese? He’s the anti-buzz, says whatever comes to his head, no agenda apart from a good time, not to mention that he knows his way around a beer. His combination with Munster works as well off the field as it does on the field, and he’s guaranteed to ruffle some feathers with a few pranks.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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Who Should be the New Hosts of NRL 360?

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Who Should be the New Hosts of NRL 360?

DYOR Dave

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In news that has shaken Rugby League armchair analysts nationwide, Ben Ikin has decided to leave his post at NRL 360 and will attempt to resurface the sunken ship that is the Brisbane Broncos.

This dramatic movement has left many NRL fans wondering which would be a more painful experience: trying to salvage the once great Broncos, sitting in between Kenty, Buzz and Hoops every week, or getting snapped in half by a fired up Jake Trbojevic.

While discussions rage on, we thought we’d float a few options for a new combination of hosts that might rejuvenate the show and bring a much-needed change to the Fox Sports team.

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Tom & Eddy

If there’s any proof that the head honcho’s at Fox Sports are out of touch with the Rugby League masses, it’s the fact that Tom and Eddy are yet to be given their own prime-time show. The godfathers of Australian sport have scaled the dizzying heights of the podcasting game and the obvious next step would be a show that could bring Fox Sports to the top of the heap in the analysis game. NRL 360 already contained an inordinate amount of unqualified opinion and unwavering bias, making the potential transition smooth and easy. After all, with heads of hair that strong, Tom and Eddy are wasted in the podcasting game. Those follicles need to be broadcasted nationwide for all to appreciate.

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Roger Fabri and Gus Gould

Be honest, who wouldn’t tune in to see Roger’s other-worldly sexual chat up against the stern-faced, old-school conservative that is Gus Gould. Gus may have seen a lot in his time around the game, but even he wouldn’t be prepared for the anomaly of Rog. There’s something for everyone here, Gus can bring in the old heads of the game that are disillusioned by the ‘nonsense’ of the modern-day footballer, while Roger’s status as the premier content creator on Instagram is sure to excite youngsters. Not to mention Roger could actually provide some legitimately insightful analysis on players running techniques, as well as his deepest and most esoteric desires.

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Israel Folau and Clive Palmer

The NRL may have blocked Folau’s return to the field, but no one is standing in the way of him and his financier becoming the hottest new personalities in Rugby League media. At long last, we can experience the religious crossover with NRL that fans have been crying out for, who wouldn’t be excited for weekly psalms and sermons with Izzy? Clive could single-handedly fund the show by showing nothing but ‘Make Australia Great’ ads every commercial break, as long as he hasn’t already spent all his money on court cases, the Titanic 2, or building animatronic dinosaurs.

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The cast of the mid-2000’s footy show (but still in the 2000s)

Ah the glory days of Rugby League television! Why mess with a perfect combination? All we need is Fatty, Chief, Sterlo and Matty along with maybe some chilis and a Vomitron, and they’re guaranteed a huge audience every week. Was their analysis any good back in the day? Who cares, it was television done right! They can even keep Buzz, Kenty and Hoops on board for some fun with the daredevil dudes, I know I wouldn’t miss out on the opportunity to see the look of pure fear upon their faces. We can even lend them the use of our Fatty Vautin gloryhole to truly bring the magic back to our screens.

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Albo and Scomo

If there’s anything that’ll motivate NRL fans to engage in the political process, it would be our two potential leaders going toe to toe over transfers, suspensions, rule changes and game management. Every Aussie knows the real battleground of elections is won and lost in the sports arena, so what better way to streamline the process than to pit these two against each other in the only competition that matters, Rugby League dribble. While Albo’s fanatical support of the Rabbitohs saw him fight for their readmission into the league in the early 2000s, his inherent bias towards them still wouldn’t rival the favouritism shown by the incumbent NRL 360 hosts. Alternatively, Scomo could provide far more impartiality considering he only began supporting the sharks after his pre-selection for the seat of Cook in 2007, that is, if he expands beyond his usual vocabulary of “If they have a go, they’ll get a go” and “I reject the premise of that question.”

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Big Tasty and the Tasty Boys

This combination may require a shift to the late-night time slot, but it would be worth it to see the uncensored, unintelligible and unmasked phenomenon of Big Tasty, Guava lover and Fumes. This rag-tag group of dribblers have cemented themselves as the kings of the dribbler hotline and therefore sit amongst a rare few that produce more dribble per capita than Buzz and Hoops. With extraordinary insights such as “Shaun Berrigan is the best halfback to play the game,” this format could reshape the way we think about the sport altogether. Line up a sponsorship with Guava cruisers and you’ve got yourself a program. The only difficult part of it would be to track down these elusive dribblers who seem to have withdrawn themselves from public life after their incomparable stint on the hotline.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site