Ashes

Unqualified Opinion

February 14 2022

The Balkan Book Club: 6 Books for Will Pucovski to Read During His Horizontal Concussion Break

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 2022, Ashes, australia, Balkan Bulldog, Concussion, cricket, Dribble, Opener, Test, Will Pucovski

The Balkan Book Club: 6 Books for Will Pucovski to Read During His Horizontal Concussion Break

DYOR Dave

Will Pucovski could be the unluckiest man in Australian sport, the anti-Bradbury if you will, after suffering his 11th concussion through a self-inflicted volleyball incident. While Aussies would love nothing more than to see the Balkan Bulldog open the batting as soon as possible, our collective concern for his health appears to show only one option: An extended break for Will to get horizontal and get his concussions under control.

Alongside mandatory beachside piña coladas and club sandwiches, the medical advice of the punter and the dribbler (definitely not a reliable source) points to time away from screens. The electromagnetic fields of blue-screen devices can have a detrimental effect on ‘vibe’ levels during horizontal concussion treatment (HCT), and the peer-reviewed sources recommend a good old-fashioned book. As well as sharpening his mind, the following books will help Pucovski pass the time, have a laugh, and most importantly, learn a thing or two.

War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy

Published in 1869, this classic blends historical and philosophical discussions to deliver over 1200 pages of hardcore literary insight. It’s a real book’s book. Not everyone is up to the challenge, but if the Balkan Bulldog wants to keep his mind sharp and active, all while pondering upon human nature and societal history, this is the book for him. To truly understand this book in all its intricacies would inevitably lead Pucovski to glory as the greatest captain the nation has seen, and finally, allow Australians to feel safe about our opening batters again.

The entire collection of Shane Warne Books

During his extended stay away from the game, it’s important that Pucovski maintains his love and passion for cricket, all while having a hero to look up to. With 5 books spanning over 20 years, the Shane Warne collection is a perfect companion, including ‘My Own Story’ (1997), ‘My Autobiography’ (2002), ‘My Illustrated Career’ (2006), ‘My Top 100 Test Cricketers (2008), and ‘No Spin: My Autobiography (2018). There’s no doubt that the Balkan bulldog will miss the soothing tones of Warne’s voice in commentary, so this is sure to tide him over until he can be back listening to Warne’s often unfounded criticisms in person.

The Power of Positive Thinking – Norman Vincent Peale

This 1952 self-help book provides a 10 step process to achieving one’s goals through visualisations, affirmations, and spoiler alert, God. The author states that “ letting go of anger and embracing a sense of calm can help with physical illnesses,” along with asking God for help, of course. If modern medicine has failed to heal Will’s concussions, maybe it’s time we turn back to the more traditional forms. After all, it helped so many others turn their lives around, with former reality TV star Donald Trump crediting the teachings for his survival in 1990 where he owed almost a billion dollars in debt, describing the author as his “pastor.”

Textbook of Clinical Neurology – Christopher G. Goetz

Philosopher Emerson Pugh once said, “If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn’t.” While scientists have spent centuries studying the mind, we’re still no closer to seeing Will Pucovski consistently opening for Australia, which is essentially the end goal for most scientists. Perhaps it’s time that the Balkan Bulldog took matters into his own hands, and flexed his DYORing muscles to solve the issue. This book is merely an intro neurological study, but if Pucovski puts the hours in, he may end up fixing his concussion himself, or at the very least, become a neurologist which I hear pays well.

If I Did It – OJ Simpson

Imagine you had been accused of brutally murdering your ex-wife and another man, but get proven innocent against all odds. Would it then be a totally normal thing to do to publish a book detailing the hypothetical scenario of you committing the murders for which you were recently acquitted? Say what you will about OJ, but you can’t deny he’s pushing the boundaries of literature, and if Will Pucovski can learn only one thing from the book, it’s that that even after 11 concussions, he still wouldn’t think that was a good idea.

The Day My Bum Went Psycho – Andy Griffiths

While this list has plenty of dense reads, it’s important for the Balkan Bulldog to rest his brain with something a bit more light-hearted. There is no better book for this purpose than this Andy Griffiths classic, if you didn’t pick up this book in the school library as a kid then you were wasting your time. I’m almost certain that this is the second book every school library purchases when they open, right after the dictionary. Chronicling the story of a 12-year-old boy’s bum which detaches itself and attempts to take over the world, the story is as riveting as it is witty, in its own subtle way. If Will is hooked, he can then move onto the sequels ‘Zombie Bums from Uranus,” and “Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict.”

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #339 – Jarchy From Tik Tok

February 13 2022

Did You Know There’s a T20 Series with Sri Lanka Going on Right Now?

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 2022, Ashes, australia, Coach, cricket, Dribble, Justin Langer, Pat Cummins, Test

Did You Know There’s a T20 Series with Sri Lanka Going on Right Now?

DYOR Dave

Tonight sees the second of five T20’s between Australia and Sri Lanka, but after a stellar summer of tests, followed by some spicy controversy, there seems to be little interest surrounding the fixture.

With minimal promotion of the series, one would be forgiven for not even knowing the game was on, especially considering it isn’t even being shown on free-to-air TV.

Despite paying over $5 million for the rights to the cricket, Seven are choosing to show Border Security and Terminator alongside their coverage of the Winter Olympics. No room for cricket apparently.

While T20 is accepted by the dribbler as a gimmick, a manufactured and sanitised version of real cricket, that doesn’t mean the format is completely useless.

As a more easily consumable version of the game, it attracts a lot of young fans into the game, and helps build the passion for cricket in generations to come.

Australia are the current world champions of T20, and our squad has some of the best players in the world, yet these matches are treated like they don’t matter.

In the sub-continent, a match like this would sell out instantly, much like the India Vs Pakistan match at the upcoming World Cup in Australia sold out in 5 minutes.

For the more seasoned cricketing dribbler, two exciting games of Sheffield shield played out during the week, with the NSW vs QLD match drawing a healthy crowd for portions of the day.

Once again, these games attracted barely any attention and were shown only on Kayo streamed in poor quality with the commentators doing their best to bring the atmosphere.

If Cricket Australia wants to grow the game, they need to invest in more than just 5 tests and a season of big bash every summer.

When Australia toured Bangladesh in 2021, some matches weren’t even broadcast in Australia at all, leaving fans with no other option than to turn to pirated streaming sites.

Last night saw a packed-out Parramatta stadium host the NRL All Stars game, and it was clear the thirst for Rugby League was as strong as ever.

Yet the SCG has struggled to fill their seats for these matches, despite this being the last chance to see live international cricket until next summer.

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #339 – Jarchy From Tik Tok

February 9 2022

Warnie’s Talk Show – The Forgotten Gem of Australian TV

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 2010 Ashes, 2022, Ashes, australia, cricket, Dribble, TV

Warnie’s Talk Show – The Forgotten Gem of Australian TV

DYOR Dave

Australian Television has long been a breeding ground for world-leading concepts and formats, from the international success of kids show Bluey, to the abject failure of Ian Thorpe’s Undercover Angels.

Throughout over half a century of Australian programming, there have been many shows that weren’t allowed to reach their full potential, and were prematurely canceled despite there being clear signs of talent and potential.

There is perhaps no more significant forgotten gem than the 2010 variety show “Warnie,” hosted by Australia’s most charismatic personality Shane Keith Warne.

The show debuted on Nine alongside the 2010/11 Ashes series, accompanying it with cricket-related content as well as a wide variety of other topics explored through interviews with James Packer, Chris Martin (of Coldplay fame), Susan Boyle, and Danii Minogue.

One of the more interesting segments features acted-out versions of various 12th Man sketches, with characters such as Richie and his wife, played with frightening faux-human masks.

Sadly, Warnie ended prematurely after 4 episodes, with a 5th canceled as the sentiment for cricket turned sour following an embarrassing home Ashes defeat.

Since then, the golden age of talk show TV has well and truly passed by Australian screens, and once revered pioneers now produce corporate-sponsored pseudo-infotainment shows disguised as “news delivered differently.” (*cough* Rove)

Now more than ever, in the era of generic and mind-numbing reality shows, we need a truly genuine personality on TV, someone who is unapologetically himself, and someone whose on-screen banter reflects that of a philosophical discussion between Descartes, Aristotle, Rousseau, and Confucius… if they were discussing Toobs or sloppy Pizzas.

With Warne now possessing over a decade of media experience, and a seemingly endless stream of money from Fox Sports to fund mediocre analysis shows, it seems the climate is perfect for a return of Warnie.

The runaway success of his documentary simply titled “SHANE” further proves the desire of Aussie audiences for the Spin King on our screens, and with the power of the punter and the dribbler, we could restore Aussie TV to its former glory under new king Warnie.

#BringBackWarnie

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #338 – Bitter Divorce

February 7 2022

Why Langer Was Really Let Go: Aussie Cricket Can’t Thrive Without Drama

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 2022, Andrew Mcdonald, Ashes, australia, Coach, cricket, fired, Justin Langer

Why Langer Was Really Let Go: Aussie Cricket Can’t Thrive Without Drama

by Joseph Murphy

Think back to the India series. I can’t remember what the score was but for all it matters, it was a complete disaster. The team was relatively untouched by drama, the biggest scandal being whether Mitch Starc needed a rest.

Australian cricket has a proud history of drama. Whether it’s Bradman hating, and being hated by, any players who went to the war, AB threatening to fly blokes home mid-test, or Warnie enjoying a mixed diet of extra-curriculars and match-winning spells, it’s always been there.

Coming into a crucial ashes series, where the boys are looking to recapture the public and build on the meager foothold established via the T20 World Cup win. Looking around, things are relatively settled amongst the Australian setup, the bowling lineup is set, Cummins, the country boy, Starc and Lyon look like a lock all summer.

There are the usual questions around the batting lineup but that’s been the case for the last decade, throwing a Marsh brother in is just old-hat at this point. Suddenly, the powder keg explodes again as the captain resigns in disgrace, we get a new captain, a new keeper, and win 4-0. Success.

Cricket spends maybe 3 months in the public eye before the team goes overseas to play in time zones less conducive to laying on the couch all day. Keeping the spotlight on them when they’re not playing a home series is the number 1 action item on CA’s whiteboard.

The team is about to head somewhere outside of Australia to play teams that aren’t England or India for however long. To the majority of the public, it’s cricket off-season. It’s February and there’s fuck all sport on. What can the incompetent CA do to make sure people know there’s not only an overseas series but a home T20 World Cup? The Alinta ads just aren’t working.

Some portentious foreshadowing here on Uzzie’s YouTube channel

Captain blue-eyes is squeaky clean, the team seems to get along so long as Smudge and Marnus stay in their corner. What else can you do but fire the coach? The firebrand who rebuilt the team from the ashes of sandpaper gate, the legend beloved by his fellow ex-players, the bloke who you would hate to have dinner with, in case he criticised your knife-work.

Now all the ex-players are blowing up and throwing accusations every which way. Captain Pat is facing scrutiny for the first time in his career and cricket’s on the front page of the papers again just as the players are ready to board a plane to wherever they’re going. Success.

Who’s the next coach? Who cares? Let the drama roll on for another 6 months and let people remember cricket is still being played. If CA have their wits about them they’ll be inviting Warnie, Punter, and even Eddie Jones in for an interview, just to let Mark Taylor whinge about his exclusion for some more attention.

The ultimate twist will be if JL takes the vacant English top job, then comes to Australia for a T20 World Cup with a healthy Joffra Archer looking to take vicarious revenge on the playing group that outed him.

Let the system burn and give me more cricket. Fuck it, fire whoever the CEO is next.

Tin hats soon. Subcontinent victories sooner.

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #338 – Bitter Divorce

January 10 2022

Hogline Bowling – Controversial Aussie strategy or Just Useless English Batting?

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 2022, 708, Ashes, australia, cricket, england, hit in box, hit in groin, hit in nuts, Joe Root, Pat Cummins, Shane Keith Warne, Spin

Hogline Bowling – Controversial Aussie strategy or Just Useless English Batting?

DYOR Dave

90 years ago, the English cricket team executed a tactic that would forever change the way the game is played, taking aim at the batsmen themselves rather than the wickets, in a phenomenon dubbed ‘Bodyline.’

At a time when global tension was rising, the move tested diplomatic relationships between Australia and England, and now after almost a century, the Aussies may have sought their revenge.

It started with an unusual injury to England captain Joe Root in the “lower abdominal” region suffered during a nets session on day four of the second test in Adelaide.

Despite the semantic misdirection from the poms, it was clear that Root had been hit right where no man wants to be hit, the hog.

While scans revealed that no major damage had been done, the strength of his hog and surrounding accessories were tested once again when Mitchel Starc fired a 140km/h rocket straight into Joe Root’s middle wicket.

Soon after recovering from his second ball-on-ball incident of the day, Root edged a ball to Alex Carey, and with that, the Aussie Hogline strategy had taken its first victim.

Looking back on it, the mission was simple: Neutralise Joe Root by depriving him of that which gives his name substance, or in layman’s terms, make sure Joe can never root again.

He was again targeted on Day 3 of the 3rd test in Melbourne, this time by Pat Cummins during the devastating innings that saw England bowled out for 68.

His torrid series continued in Sydney where he was struck again early on day 5 and dismissed soon after for 24.

Dealing with the former #1 test batter in the world is no easy task, and although Australia’s strategy may seem unsportsmanlike, it’s important to remember that England were the ones who initiated this war of tactics back in 1932, and Australia are merely responding in the same vein.

However, critics of the Hogline theory will point to England’s woeful batting performance across the entire series as evidence against a purposeful Australian strategy to inflict further pain.

With only one player managing a century the entire series, one could easily argue that English batters are simply unable to suitably protect themselves against the might of Australian pace bowling.

With Johnny Bairstow and Jos Buttler both carrying injuries resulting from a failure to properly play a shorter pitched delivery, a pattern was beginning to emerge that reflected the woes of the English, rather than the malice of the Aussies.

No one can be certain whether the targeting of English crown jewels was a deliberate tactic or not, and the controversial tactic is sure to incite disapproval from the mainstream cricket community, just as bodyline did in the 1930’s.

However, if history was to repeat itself, we may end up seeing the eventual assimilation of hogline strategy into mainstream cricket playbooks, for better or for worse.

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #329 – Stump Specialists

December 24 2021

HOT TAKE: Why We Need Warnie As a Commentator

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion Ashes, australia, Commentary, cricket, Dribbler, england, Shane Warne, Warnie

HOT TAKE: Why We Need Warnie As a Commentator

DYOR Dave

The 2021 Ashes series has so far been a tidal wave of success and happiness for Aussie fans. Despite injuries, covid scares, and uncertain openers, the team has easily powered through England in the first two tests, and are looking likely to do the same again this week.

If you ask most Aussie dribblers what the worst part about this series has been, I can guarantee you that Shane Warne’s commentary would be their outstanding lowlight. Between his hatred for Mitchell Starc, his pointless tangents that take priority over actual commentary, and his thinly-veiled advances at Isa Guha, he’s once again leaving his mark on an Ashes series.

Herein lies the conundrum: How can we as dribblers come to terms with a man of such immense stature, a man who’s contributed so much to the sporting and dribbling community, becoming so universally disliked?

Just as Warnie has cast a small black shadow over this otherwise flawless series, so has he begun to chisel away at the pristine career that has for decades pushed the boundaries of what an elite sportsman can be. His antics always delivered wild yarns without crossing over into offensive or malicious areas, and considering his performance on the pitch never disappointed, it was always play on for Warnie.

I don't see Mark Howard ripping any billies with his face on them

For so long, Warne was the tallest of poppies, an unassailable dribbler who couldn’t be faulted, until now… but that’s ok. Australians love nothing more than cutting down a tall poppy, it’s part of our history and our heritage. We’re not a society who says that our leaders are saviours of the world or chosen by god, we give them as much vitriol as we would the bloke who’s taking too long to order a schnitty in front of you at a pub.

Would we really accept that one of our cultural heroes is some sort of perfectly righteous and all-knowing demigod? Of course not! He’s a dribbler just like the rest of us, spouting unqualified opinion and unwavering bias… and that’s why we love him. How much less would we, as dribblers, have to talk about this series if it wasn’t for Warnie’s commentary?

Warnie is such a strong and true dribbler that his dribble provides the foundational dribble upon which we as a community can build our own dribble on. He is a gift given to us by the gods of dribble, but just like anything in this world, be it Warnie’s career or this Ashes series, the good cannot exist without the bad.

Shane Warne is Yin and Yang. Shane Warne is the King of Spin and the dunce of dribble. Shane Warne is as true an Aussie dribbler as they come, and we wouldn’t want it any other way.

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #325 – Covid Nangs

December 10 2021

Can You Separate the Art from the Artist? Shane Warne the Bowler Vs Shane Warne the Commentator

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 5th test, Ashes, australia, Commentator, cricket, england, Josh Hazlewood, Mitchell Starc, Nathan Lyon, Pat Cummins, Perth, qld, queensland, Shane Warne, sheffield shield, Usman Khwaja, venue

Can You Separate the Art from the Artist? Shane Warne the Bowler Vs Shane Warne the Commentator

by Joseph Murphy

Can you separate the art from the artist? It’s a question that makes the rounds every time it turns out some celebrity is incapable of doing anything productive without also committing an atrocity on the side.

How can we possibly treasure the memories of Shane Warne the cricketer whilst listening to Shane Warne the commentator? How can I reconcile the fact that a man I’ve idolised since I learnt what cricket was, the man who bowled the Gatting ball, the man who won countless test series for Australia, just spent the entire day making me wish he’d shut the fuck up?

Be it refusing to acknowledge that Mitch Starc bowled Roy Burns with an absolute peach, or insisting that England still had a chance to save the innings and score 250 when they were all of 5/not much, Warnie is pissing into the ear of the punter and dribbler around Australia.

Now I’m looking back on 2008, when a long-haired ruffian tipping the top end of the scales had his team chase him through the outfield after knocking over Andrew Strauss for his 700th wicket, with a gnawing feeling that this is the same bloke that refused to acknowledge that a ball that swung half a metre moved at all.

Warnie’s been dipping into his contrarian box a lot recently, picking hot take after hot take of who doesn’t deserve to be in the rest side. Constant hot takes are a gamble, you’ve got to be right every now and then for people to believe you, or you can just be right on one really hot take.

As a gambler, Warnie knows this, and he kept trying to pull himself out of debt with increasingly hot takes, going so far as to insist that batting was the right decision when England were 7 down, they’d just copped a couple of “unlucky” balls and played shots that weak English test players tend to play were, in Warnies view, were just “uncharacteristic”.

Maybe it will all pass as we get deeper into the summer. I mean, I can still watch Inspector Gadget with the knowledge that Matthew Broderick killed two people in a car accident and only had to pay a $175 fine (allegedly, allegedly). But if I hear even a suggestion that Jack Leach is on-par with Nathan Lyon, then how will I ever be able to watch the stump-dance again?

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #321 – Crystal Ducks

December 8 2021

“Aussie Pace Trio” Now #1 Search on Pornhub After Incredible Nut Display

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 5th test, Ashes, australia, cricket, england, Josh Hazlewood, Mitchell Starc, Nathan Lyon, Pat Cummins, Perth, qld, queensland, sheffield shield, Usman Khwaja, venue

“Aussie Pace Trio” Now #1 Search on Pornhub After Incredible Nut Display

by Goose Gould

Australian pace trio Mitchell Starc, Josh Hazlewood and Pat Cummins are reportedly in talks with legendary adult film star James Deen about future collaborations following Wednesday morning’s incredible display of nut.

By midday on Wednesday, the term “Aussie pace trio” was the most searched item on adult website Pornhub all year, while each player saw their profiles skyrocket to the first three positions on the top charts.

Day 1, Session 1 of the First Ashes Test saw an explosion of seed as Starc, Hazlewood and Cummins ripped through England’s top order to leave the visitors reeling at 4-29 before lunch.

Starc’s arguably premature nut brought the Gabba to its collective knees after splattering Rory Burns’ leg stump with seed on ball #1 before Hazlewood and skipper Cummins edged their way to wickets in the 4^th, 6^th and 13^th overs.

Word of the trio’s X-rated exploits shot worldwide with keen attention paid across the Pacific.

it’s alleged United States resident James Deen of having a whopping knob fame reached out to the Herald to flag his interest in collaborating with our test cricketers.

“I’ve throw some nut around in my day but that session of cricket left me breathless,” Deen told the Herald.

“I couldn’t believe it – seed on wood, cherries popping up left right and centre – so I showed my managers some footage and they’re well keen.”

Fellow porn icon Johnny Sins agreed, pitching some prospective monikers for the Australian bowlers.

“I’d work with those boys any day,” Sins eagerly confirmed.

“As for names, Josh Hazabigwood and Mitchell Starkers write themselves and while Ol Blue Eyes works a treat for the captain, Pat Cumminside has a certain ring to it.”

It’s not known whether former Australian skipper Tim Paine’s bulging disc will make him unavailable for selection in the Deen Team but both Americans noted his enthusiasm.

“We’ll be in touch, for sure.”

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #320 – 502 Gateway

December 7 2021

QLD BULLShit: Banana Benders Continue to get Snubbed from the Aussie Test Side

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 5th test, Ashes, australia, cricket, england, Perth, qld, queensland, sheffield shield, Usman Khwaja, venue

QLD BULLShit: Banana Benders Continue to get Snubbed from the Aussie Test Side

by The Banana Bender Dribbler

With the controversial selection of Travis Head over Usman Khawaja being released this week by our nation’s new fast bowling skipper, it raises the question. Why do Bulls players constantly get overlooked by the national selectors?

Sure, we have Marnus ripping and tearing on an international scale but our sunshine state produces far more talent than the 9% of test spots we currently occupy. To put that in perspective Blues players account for 54% of our first ashes test IX.

So where does the problem stem from, are the selectors ‘stateist’ pricks, or do they just have a type and that type is New South Welshman blue-eyed hot boys? Another question is how many runs does a Bulls player actually have to score to lock down a test spot?

Khawaja and Peirson both had the best shield seasons of their careers, averaging 65.71 and 47.67 respectively whilst being overlooked for Travis Head and Alex Carey. The Carey selection should raise eyebrows on stats alone after he averaged 21.86 with the bat this shield season. Combine that with the fact he is a year older than Peirson, who is the superior gloveman out of the two, and you have yourself a state-based conspiracy.

On the bowling front Michael Neser and Mitch Swepson have been on the cusp of selection for what feels like an eternity but consistently get overlooked for the Blues foursome. Let’s face it, the people at Big Baggy Green have tried to keep the blatant stateist bias out of the public eye for decades but it’s time we exposed it.

Historically Queensland has produced some elite-level cricketing talent that has been grossly underutilised by the national selectors. The likes of Stuart Law and Martin Love both failed to be given a fair look in the baggy green after averaging 50 at shield level for their whole careers. Law even scored 54 not out in his only innings in the test side before being dropped the following game.

Though he played 19 tests for Australia, I still am adamant that Andy Bichel could have taken 500 test wickets if he was given an adequate opportunity at the international level. The bloke dismissed Brian Lara four times at a bowling average of 32 and yet holds the unenviable distinction of being the twelfth man for the test side a record 19 times. I rest my case.

Bulls legends forever,

Stateist selectors never.

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #320 – 502 Gateway

December 7 2021

Six Possible Venues for the 5th Test That Cricket Australia Won’t Even Consider

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 5th test, Ashes, australia, cricket, england, Perth, venue

Six Possible Venues for the 5th Test That Cricket Australia Won’t Even Consider

DYOR Dave

Supreme leader of Western Australia Mark “Mao” McGowan has delivered one of the all-time great bedshits, as he has lost his state the annual 5th Ashes test.

While residents of the hermit state are still coming to terms with this loss, it opens up a unique opportunity to play the final test at a new and exotic location.

I thought I would suggest a few possible options that Cricket Australia could consider if their interests truly lay in growing the game, rather than rewarding whoever throws the most money at them.

North Sydney Oval

The Mecca of local Sydney cricket, North Sydney has more history in its sausage stand than most stadiums do in their entire oval.

One of the biggest problems facing Australian sport these days is the lack of connection between the grassroots and the highest levels, so what better way to bridge that gap than to host a game at the 150-year-old ground that just about every dribbler in the city has either kicked a footy or hit a kookaburra on.

Mawson Station Antarctica

Based in Australia’s region of Antarctica, you wouldn’t be wrong in saying it’s as much “in Australia” as Tasmania is.

Despite its temperatures, Antarctica is actually the driest continent, meaning the best chance for 5 uninterrupted days of play. The same unfortunately can’t be said for the mainland with La Niña around.

The dry conditions will also mean a fast pitch and outfield, as well as a lot of bounce for our new captain to show his prowess. It’ll be breaking new ground for the game, and yet another ground in Australia that England can’t win at.

Whitsunday Sports Park

A cricket oval next to a picturesque mountain which is also next to a pristine blue reef? I’m already booking flights. Sure there’s no grandstand, toilets, bar and the car park can barely fit 20, but it’s worth it for the view.

Without overseas travelers, the tourism industry is suffering, so why not get a few thousand dribblers to North Queensland and let them loose on all the rainforests, reefs, towns and footy ovals. What could go wrong? They could even bring their jet skis and watch the game from the water.

Don Bradman’s childhood oval in Bowral

The omenry at play if Australia were to return to that hallowed turf would probably be so strong that England would fail to make a single run. It’s a no-brainer.

At the Don’s home is where his spiritual powers are the strongest, and he may even be able to enter the body of both Marnus Labuschagne and Steve Smith at the same time, to set up a record-breaking 1000 run partnership.

The embarrassment to England would be so severe Australia would instantly take over the monarchy, with Smith as our King. A yearly public holiday will be celebrated in his honour, and England will go on to lose every test for the next decade.

Christmas Island

Just like Tasmania, Christmas Island is part of Australia, but also not really. Unlike Tasmania, it’s home to a beautiful warm climate, lush rainforests and a host of rare and unique animals.

Christmas Island could really do with a PR glow-up and hosting the 5th Ashes test would definitely bring back a bit of the holiday spirit that earned the island its merry name.

Located about 1000km northwest of Broome, the tropical weather and hot conditions will no doubt prove difficult for the poms to handle, giving Australia an unnecessary yet enjoyable advantage.

The SCG

Give me another test. I want to see more live test cricket. 5 days per summer is not nearly enough.

If NSW Premier Dom Perrotett can secure two Sydney tests every year: I, Dyor Dave of Antifa fame, swear to vote Liberal every state election so long as we still see two Sydney tests. that’s how badly I need more test cricket in my life.

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #320 – 502 Gateway