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If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It! How Did They Manage to Ruin the Dally M’s?

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If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It! How Did They Manage to Ruin the Dally M’s?

DYOR Dave

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Last Thursday, the NRL announced they would be changing the format of the Dally M awards to spread it across two nights taking place one week apart. It seemed strange to make the announcement less than a week out from the ceremony, considering the amount of planning that would have taken place, but perhaps it was an omen of the horrors that were to come, as we witnessed last night.

If there’s one thing NRL dribblers know how to do, it’s complain. Incredibly, the Dally M awards have largely avoided the brunt of that criticism, apart from last years sci-fi hologram players projected into the studio. Minor aesthetics aside, the Dally M’s were a unique part of Rugby League that was universally enjoyed and revered, until last night.

What used to be Rugby League’s night of nights, something fans looked forward to as a feature of Grand Final week has been turned into another mind-numbing generic product from the tasteless faceless men in charge.

Previously we were treated to a suspenseful and exciting recap of the second half of the year, where players would rise and fall out of the top 10 as the ebbs and flows of the season took its course. Watching it would bring back fond memories and as the votes were tallied up, the suspense grew stronger. While the favourites were evident, young stars from less successful clubs would always peak their heads in, giving some fans a small seed of hope after a long dry winter.

Even last years Star Wars tribute didn't garner as much criticism as 2021
Even last years Star Wars tribute didn’t garner as much criticism as 2021

 

Thanks to the mistakes of last night, we now come into the actual ceremony in a 5 horse race, leaving no room for hopeful late charges by Jahrome Hughes or a surprising forward like David Fifita getting a top 5 spot. Besides, everyone knows Tom Trbojevic is going to win it this year anyway.

The other “exclusives” we were treated to last night included try and tackle of the year. Again, any NRL dribbler worth their salt knew that Manly’s try was going to win, but even so, those accolades while impressive, don’t really warrant anything more than an online post with a few lines of text.

We also got a huge reveal, the nominations for coach of the year. I can’t imagine the weeks of effort and deliberation that went into selecting the coaches from the top 5 finishing teams this year as nominees. What a spectacle.

It would seem the NRL has been sucked into the embarrassingly formulaic structure of reality TV shows that are basically just an hour of ads placed mid-sentence to build suspense while their latest excuse for a ‘reveal’ is teased throughout the show, only to not occur in the current episode and become a cliffhanger for tomorrow night.

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We’re not at that stage just yet, but what last night showed, besides a seemingly regular episode of NRL360 interrupted by people in formal attire, was that they’re playing into the idea that they’re ‘competing against tik tok.’ They’re ditching the traditions in favour of shorter, sharper more easily consumable content, evidenced by the preferences given to try and tackle of the year, as well as the shortening of the broadcasted Points tally from 10+ rounds to only 6.

TV has been known to cater to the lowest common denominator, but last nights showing almost made me want to flick over to 10 to watch the abomination that is the pinnacle of formulaic tasteless suspense, The Masked Singer (shoutout to Lote Tuquiri and Ben Lee).

The Dally Ms were a chance for NRL fans to feel a bit fancier, for fans who missed the finals, a chance to feel excited, and for everyone, a chance to be proud of the great game and the year that’s passed. But from what we’ve seen, it’s quickly becoming just another product made to sell ad space.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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Charles Darwin’s ‘Seven Genomic Stages of A Dribbler’ Theory

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Charles Darwin’s ‘Seven Genomic Stages of A Dribbler’ Theory

by The Kicking Tee Dribbler

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Since the beginning of time itself, a few questions about the universe and its parts have long wafted in the air, left unanswered by years of philosophy and evolution. What does come first, the chicken or the egg? Did Adam Elliot birth his hog or did the hog birth Adam Elliot? Is the Dribbler born with dribble genetics or is the Dribbler taught to master the art?


As God’s winter game closes and I soak in the NRL finals for a second time as a self professed Dribbler, I’ve been pondering these very questions. After a few weekends spent within the confines of my local University library, I’ve discovered that the great Charles Darwin, (a longstanding Dribbler himself) in fact wrote a theory on the evolution of the Dribbler. I’m aware Dribblers are not often found amongst library shelves, nor are they gifted long attention spans so I’ve done my best to summarise Darwin’s Dribbler theory within seven simple stages.

I hereby present…

THE SEVEN GENOMIC STAGES OF A DRIBBLER

Stage 1: PD – The Pre-Dribbler Era

Whilst Darwin’s Dribbler Theory was in fact left unfinished, his early research suggests that a Dribbler begins to show symptoms of dribble from the time they first set foot in the TAB and front bar of the pubs of our fine nation.

It is from this marquee moment, the Dribbler begins to show early signs of their penchant to dribble. Whilst they have yet to discover the podcast, they obviously self-identify as the lippy bloke in a group of mates. They possess the worst on-field sledging in a local Div 5 cricket game. And they are the most often left unread in the team group chat. Before discovering the podcast, a Dribbler is unsure where and how to channel their energy. This is the Pre-Dribbler era and Darwin feared many were still left unmarked in the wild…

The Last Dribble: Immortalising those who lead the world in dribble and yarn
The Last Dribble: Immortalising those who lead the world in dribble and yarn

 

Stage 2: D-Day

Discovery Day. This occasion marks the day the Dribbler discovers the podcast. It can occur in a few ways. Often it’s a coworker or a team physio who pulls a stray Dribbler aside and whispers “Hey mate, I can see you’ve got a problem, there’s a place you can go. You can stay anonymous if you want, it’s a free service but I think it’ll do you some good…”

The Dribbler has probably spent the past 10 years melting their brain to the sound of Joe Rogan endorsing horse tranquilizers, so the suggestion of a new podcast is met with confusion and unease. However they decide to take on the recommendation from a trusted source and begin to seek out the HelloSport Podcast. And proceed to discover the world of the P and the D.

Stage 3: Hotline Bling

Darwin identified a clear 3-6 week gestation period in which the Dribbler becomes engrossed in the podcast. Beyond the Monday afternoon drive home, the Dribbler begins to seek out previous episodes and further channels for Dribble. It’s at this stage that the Dribbler dares to dream…

‘Could I call the hotline… Could I have a Dribbler name…?’

The Stage 3 Dribbler begins to practice their dribbles in the shower. It’s a dangerous time for the Dribbler, often unaware of the pitfalls that precede them. Past mistakes include taking on ‘The Disciples’ and calling the poddy as the Gatorbeug Dribbler, or being daft enough to call the hotline and ask, “Hi Tim and Edward, what’s your favourite hangover food…” Some key Stage 3 symptoms include making an entrance into the Ps Ds page, watching an About Even episode and googling ‘Where to Buy Punters and Dribblers Cap’.

Stage 4: A New Dribbler in the Family

We now reach the most common stage of Dribblers. Here the Dribbler is a weekly listener, a regular consumer of Blokes and they’ve even purchased the odd Doctor V or three. The Stage 4 Dribbler becomes increasingly active in the page. They’ve brushed up on their chops on Pixlr.com and have begun to photoshop Ricky Stuart causing Canberra’s very own Chernobyl disaster.

They’ve reached a stage where they are game enough to call out Kendrick (Love ya bra) in the comments or start a fight with an unprepared dribbler. They’ve grown a new leg of lippy behaviour taking great pleasure in typing, ‘TAKe ya LIcks!’ under any HSP Instagram post uploaded after a Famous Manly loss. They’ve probably purchased a shirt, maybe even a tracksuit and it’s clear that the Dribbler is lippy enough to stay for the long haul.

One of the worlds most magoo Dribblers:The Rock

 

Stage 5: Household Name

Darwin exposed that there are examples of Dribblers becoming famous for something, someone or a particular area of expertise. Most of these Stage 5 Dribblers have etched their names into halls of Baggy Green membership. Others have not… *ahem* Regardless, some examples of Stage 5’s include Danny Exotic ‘The King of Rack n’ Red’. The Jelly Shot Kid of St Peter Plaque fame. There’s ‘Ilso The Novacastrian’ who’s won and lost more letters than a game of Wheel of Fortune. Ironside The Plumber, The Shit Parramatta Dribbler, The Manly Dribblette, The Texas Dribbler, the Prince of Sharpie Pens ‘The Dot Point Dribbler’ and of course The Hans Zimmer of the Pod, Mr. Fiocchiaro.

The Stage 5 Dribbler has seen more than one winter and are old enough to remember the Moon Landing and what that meant under the dark days of the pandemic. When Stage 5’s see a block of tasty cheese in Woolies they indulge in a giggle as they remember Big Tasty and the Tasty Boys (Reach Out! For fucks sake, where ARE you guys!?) And whilst their Mothers, Girlfriends and employers couldn’t give a fuck about their self-appointed level within the Dribbler Kingdom, the Stage 5 continues to Dribble.

Stage 6: Friend of the Show.

We’ve reached the upper echelon of Dribbler infamy. Darwin identified Stage 6 Dribblers as Dribbler’s who’ve gone on to become more famous than the podcast itself. Notable examples include ‘Nudes Soon Bracey’, St Peter, The Rock, and Christian Welch. There’s Adam Elliot’s Hog, Kelly Slater’s voicebox, and AFL Commissioner Scaredy Cat McGill and his tiny slimy, slug-like piece. There’s Tonka The Dog, Rain Man, the Fuckwit with Spacers and that random homeless guy who gatecrashed the podcast and needed a lift somewhere.

Their aurora alone has gone on to bring more people into the podcast. And they sit high and comfortable in their affluent VIP Members Box at the DCG. The Dribbbler’s Cricket Ground.

Stage 7: The Final Dribble

Darwin’s final stage in the Dribbler evolution is marked when the Dribbler dribbles so hard they pass into the next life. I once asked Tom and Eddy this very question on the hotline, “Which Dribblers will be standing on the door at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, Bloke in hand welcoming Dribblers inside?”

The answer? Well, there’s a few, Gus and Buzz will be there. Charles Darwin too. Richie will already have a VIP table up the back in a private booth. Steve Irwin will be there and so will Shane. But the fella taking names, asking for ID’s and giving you a playful uppercut and a knock around the ears as you wait at the door will be the one and only, OAM and NSW Blues legend Tommy Raudonikis. And he’ll be pulling you a fresh, frothy Bloke and firing up the crowd for ‘Cattledog’ as soon as you get inside.

VALE Tommy.

In a year when we lost the great Western Suburbs Magpie and Newtown Jet, it seems fitting that Charles Darwin bookended the seven stages with a man who taught, coached, and inspired the art of Dribble.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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Who Should be the New Hosts of NRL 360?

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Who Should be the New Hosts of NRL 360?

DYOR Dave

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In news that has shaken Rugby League armchair analysts nationwide, Ben Ikin has decided to leave his post at NRL 360 and will attempt to resurface the sunken ship that is the Brisbane Broncos.

This dramatic movement has left many NRL fans wondering which would be a more painful experience: trying to salvage the once great Broncos, sitting in between Kenty, Buzz and Hoops every week, or getting snapped in half by a fired up Jake Trbojevic.

While discussions rage on, we thought we’d float a few options for a new combination of hosts that might rejuvenate the show and bring a much-needed change to the Fox Sports team.

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Tom & Eddy

If there’s any proof that the head honcho’s at Fox Sports are out of touch with the Rugby League masses, it’s the fact that Tom and Eddy are yet to be given their own prime-time show. The godfathers of Australian sport have scaled the dizzying heights of the podcasting game and the obvious next step would be a show that could bring Fox Sports to the top of the heap in the analysis game. NRL 360 already contained an inordinate amount of unqualified opinion and unwavering bias, making the potential transition smooth and easy. After all, with heads of hair that strong, Tom and Eddy are wasted in the podcasting game. Those follicles need to be broadcasted nationwide for all to appreciate.

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Roger Fabri and Gus Gould

Be honest, who wouldn’t tune in to see Roger’s other-worldly sexual chat up against the stern-faced, old-school conservative that is Gus Gould. Gus may have seen a lot in his time around the game, but even he wouldn’t be prepared for the anomaly of Rog. There’s something for everyone here, Gus can bring in the old heads of the game that are disillusioned by the ‘nonsense’ of the modern-day footballer, while Roger’s status as the premier content creator on Instagram is sure to excite youngsters. Not to mention Roger could actually provide some legitimately insightful analysis on players running techniques, as well as his deepest and most esoteric desires.

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Israel Folau and Clive Palmer

The NRL may have blocked Folau’s return to the field, but no one is standing in the way of him and his financier becoming the hottest new personalities in Rugby League media. At long last, we can experience the religious crossover with NRL that fans have been crying out for, who wouldn’t be excited for weekly psalms and sermons with Izzy? Clive could single-handedly fund the show by showing nothing but ‘Make Australia Great’ ads every commercial break, as long as he hasn’t already spent all his money on court cases, the Titanic 2, or building animatronic dinosaurs.

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The cast of the mid-2000’s footy show (but still in the 2000s)

Ah the glory days of Rugby League television! Why mess with a perfect combination? All we need is Fatty, Chief, Sterlo and Matty along with maybe some chilis and a Vomitron, and they’re guaranteed a huge audience every week. Was their analysis any good back in the day? Who cares, it was television done right! They can even keep Buzz, Kenty and Hoops on board for some fun with the daredevil dudes, I know I wouldn’t miss out on the opportunity to see the look of pure fear upon their faces. We can even lend them the use of our Fatty Vautin gloryhole to truly bring the magic back to our screens.

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Albo and Scomo

If there’s anything that’ll motivate NRL fans to engage in the political process, it would be our two potential leaders going toe to toe over transfers, suspensions, rule changes and game management. Every Aussie knows the real battleground of elections is won and lost in the sports arena, so what better way to streamline the process than to pit these two against each other in the only competition that matters, Rugby League dribble. While Albo’s fanatical support of the Rabbitohs saw him fight for their readmission into the league in the early 2000s, his inherent bias towards them still wouldn’t rival the favouritism shown by the incumbent NRL 360 hosts. Alternatively, Scomo could provide far more impartiality considering he only began supporting the sharks after his pre-selection for the seat of Cook in 2007, that is, if he expands beyond his usual vocabulary of “If they have a go, they’ll get a go” and “I reject the premise of that question.”

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Big Tasty and the Tasty Boys

This combination may require a shift to the late-night time slot, but it would be worth it to see the uncensored, unintelligible and unmasked phenomenon of Big Tasty, Guava lover and Fumes. This rag-tag group of dribblers have cemented themselves as the kings of the dribbler hotline and therefore sit amongst a rare few that produce more dribble per capita than Buzz and Hoops. With extraordinary insights such as “Shaun Berrigan is the best halfback to play the game,” this format could reshape the way we think about the sport altogether. Line up a sponsorship with Guava cruisers and you’ve got yourself a program. The only difficult part of it would be to track down these elusive dribblers who seem to have withdrawn themselves from public life after their incomparable stint on the hotline.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site