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The Mayo Report: ‘Sorry I was Wrong, But Everyone Else is Still Way More Wrong Than I Have Ever Been’

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The Mayo Report: ‘Sorry I Was Wrong, But Everyone Else is Still Way More Wrong Than I Have Ever Been’

DYOR Dave

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The first weekend of Rugby League action provided plenty of upsets and surprises, although the most shocking of revelations came during NRL 360 on Monday night, where the Mayo Man himself Buzz Rothfield actually owned up to a mistake and apologised.

Last Monday, Buzz spread a thick layer of mayo over a story about the Bulldogs’ supposed lack of training technologies when James Hooper said “Just about every club uses drones now”

Rothfield then replied whilst dripping in egg, oil and vinegar: “Yeah Well Canterbury Don’t.”

Gould, clearly not a fan of mayo, responded almost immediately, posting two videos to his Twitter of drone footage from Bulldogs training, as well as one of the players reviewing said drone footage.

While Buzz is no stranger to being proven wrong on a weekly basis, he was essentially forced into an on-air apology by NRL 360 co-hosts Braith Anasta and Michael Ennis.

Deflecting the blame immediately, Buzz said, “You’ve got to put your hand up here, I got some bum mail last week, I got my wires crossed and I said Canterbury didn’t train with a drone.”

For a moment it seemed like Buzz was having a genuine moment of self-reflection and humility, but he soon returned to regular scheduled programming and unloaded on Gus Gould, the man who proved him wrong.

“You know what we all make mistakes – I’ll tell you about Gus, Gus sacked Ivan Cleary as a coach, didn’t think he could win a comp. that was a mistake… You know what else Gus did, He extended Anthony Griffin for three years and ten weeks later sacked him, and cost Penrith 1.5 million to pay him out, he makes mistakes too.”

 

He finished off his solemn and respectful admission with a clearly genuine apology: “I apologise, are you happy?”

After the show, reports suggest that the Mayo Man was spotted in the corner of his office, crying in the fetal position, his body apparently sent into shock by the admittance of any personal fault.

Hello Sport Herald has since caught up with Mr Mayo, who is now calling out the unfair treatment he is facing, for breaking essentially the only rule of journalism – don’t lie.

“I don’t see why I’m the one copping it when it was Gus who didn’t shout a round of drinks at the Penrith League’s club in September 1971, I mean who’s the real criminal here?”

The Mayo Man continued, “I may have been wrong about the Bulldogs, Gus Gould, and most of the other things I’ve said in my career, but right now Vladimir Putin is committing war crimes in Eastern Europe, so to call me out while that is going on is nothing short of pure evil, and I won’t stand for it.”

The feud between Gould and Rothfield is an exciting prospect for fans, as they can now enjoy the titanic clash of thoroughbreds during matches on the weekend, and also witness a battle equivalent to a 300-year-old tortoise against a one-armed sloth during the week.

It is unclear whether Rothfield apologised out of genuine remorse, or whether Gould is currently blackmailing him with even more pictures of Buzz alongside strippers, but fans will be eagerly waiting to see if this trend continues, or if Buzz goes back to his old ways.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #347 – Stargazers

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Max King – Making Celibacy Great Again

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Max King – Making Celibacy Great Again

DYOR Dave

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There was once a time when those who took the noble vow of celibacy were considered societal leaders and morally superior.

Alas, the noble tradition has fallen away in our modern times, replaced with temptations, instant gratifications, and ideas of sex pushed to us through every available screen.

Still, some of those strong enough to maintain abstinence have gone on to achieve great things, such as cornflake inventor John Kellogg, and Philosopher Immanuel Kant, who both not only practiced celibacy, but also denied themselves self-pleasure… yikes.

On the lighter end, NFL stars Tim Tebow and Russel Wilson both maintained their celibacy until marriage, as did Drummer Zak Hanson of “Mmmbop” fame.

And so this brings us to the NRL’s very own virgin king – Max King that is – who has made the brave announcement to the media that he’ll be saving himself until marriage due to his Catholic beliefs.

I’m usually the last person to applaud decisions based on conservative religious beliefs, but this harmless decision is a welcome refreshment compared to the usually abhorrent views pushed by similarly religious fanatics.

In a league that’s well known for its prevalence of sexual debauchery, compounded with the fact that Max is a decent-looking bloke, the decision to remain abstinent should be seen as a triumph of will, a welcome bit of diversity, and a positive message for young fans.

 

Recently the NRL took part in the Mardi Gras parade for the 7th time, and although this parade flies in the face of many conservative religious beliefs, it doesn’t mean our league isn’t welcome to those who subscribe to religious belief systems, provided they equally respect the beliefs of others (not share insta posts about people going to hell).

King described the positive environment at the Bulldogs that seems a far cry from a previous Dogs culture, “I talk openly about it with the boys and they respect me for who I am…I don’t mind the boys taking the piss, I’m fine with it, because I’ll be taking the piss out of them for something… I know it’s not personal, I know a lot of the boys do respect it.’’

A fourth-generation footballer and grandson of 7-time premiership winner Johnny King, Max has played 50 NRL games for the Titans and the Storm, but missed the 2021 season due to Achilles surgery.

Now part of the Bulldogs’ impressive 2022 roster, he hopes to earn himself a starting jersey and become a more permanent fixture in the NRL.

His decision to remain celibate seems to justify his move from the Storm to the Bulldogs, as the Storm fucking every team they played would not have sat well with the second-rower, who appears much more comfortable with the Bulldogs.

King isn’t the first NRL player to come out as celibate, after Australia and NSW representative Jason Stevens published his book “Worth the Wait,” detailing his views and justifications for pre-marital celibacy.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #347 – Stargazers

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The NRL Snuck Through Judiciary Changes Hours Before Last Night’s Game – Here’s Everything You Need to Know

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The NRL Snuck Through Judiciary Changes Hours Before Last Nights Game – Here’s Everything You Need to Know

DYOR Dave

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The NRL has announced an overhaul of the judiciary system just hours before the first kickoff of the 2021 season, with an aim to create a more transparent process while easing the burden on players themselves.

The irony of aiming for transparency while sneaking through rule changes when fans aren’t paying attention seems to have been lost on the NRL, although there are still many genuine upsides for players in the new system.

The judiciary panel and match review committee will now feature former coaches and referees, as well as players, and an explanation will now be provided to the public by the judiciary chairman following each decision.

Additionally, videos and guides demonstrating the criteria for charges and gradings will be made available to teams in order to better educate players and help them change problematic techniques.

In welcome news for the likes of Jared Waerea-Hargreaves and Tevita Pangai Jnr, all players will begin 2022 on a clean slate, while the carry-over points system has been completely abandoned.

Instead, all grade one offences will carry a fine – apart from reckless high tackles which start at grade 4 – and a set amount of matches is prescribed to each charge, with players able to shorten the suspension by a week through an early guilty plea.

The charges have been designated into eight categories, shown in the table below:

OFFENCE GRADE       1ST OFFENCE (Early plea in brackets)     2ND OFFENCE (Early plea in brackets)         3RD OFFENCE (Early plea in brackets) High Tackle – Careless 1 $1500 ($1000) $2500 ($1800) 2 matches ($3000)   2 2 matches (1) 3 matches (2) 4 matches (3)   3 3 matches (2) 4 matches (3) 5 matches (4) High Tackle – Reckless  4 (1) # 4 matches (3) 5 matches (4) 6 matches (5)   5 (2)  5 matches (4) 6 matches (5) 7 matches (6)   6 (3) 6 matches (5) 7 matches (6) 8 matches (7) Dangerous Contact 1 $1500 ($1000) $2500 ($1800) 2 matches ($3000)   2 2 matches (1) 3 matches (2) 4 matches (3)   3 3 matches (2) 4 matches (3) 5 matches (4) Dangerous Throw 1 $1500 ($1000) 2 matches ($2500) 3 matches (2)   2 3 matches (2) 4 matches (3) 5 matches (4)   3 5 matches (4) 6 matches (5) 7 matches (6) Striking 1 $2000 ($1500) 2 matches ($3000) 4 matches (3)   2 3 matches (2) 4 matches (3) 5 matches (4)   3 4 matches (3) 5 matches (4) 6 matches (5) Crusher Tackle 1 $2000 ($1500) 2 matches ($3000) 4 matches (3)   2 3 matches (2) 4 matches (3) 5 matches (4)   3 4 matches (3) 5 matches (4) 6 matches (5) Contrary Conduct 1 $1500 ($1000) $2500 ($1800) 2 matches ($3000)   2 2 matches (1) 3 matches (2) 4 matches (3)   3 3 matches (2) 4 matches (3) 5 matches (4) Shoulder Charge 1 $2000 ($1500) 2 matches ($3000) 4 matches (3)   2 3 matches (2) 4 matches (3) 5 matches (4)   3 4 matches (3) 5 matches (4) 6 matches (5)

 

The changes have come after months of consultation with the Rugby League Players Association, who were unhappy with the current system and did not believe that fines were an adequate deterrent for foul play.

Fines were first introduced as an alternative punishment in order to avoid players missing key matches for minor offences, while simultaneously not overwhelming the judiciary with small charges.

However, the RLPA have been critical of the decision to move grade one shoulder charges and crusher tackles to a finable offence, saying it “is a step backwards in decreasing instances of two of the most dangerous on-field discretions.”

Although the Association is supportive of the new measures that promote transparency in the system, they emphasise the importance of education rather than punishment, to curb instances of illegal actions, “the RLPA maintains the best way to improve the chance of achieving the desired outcomes is through education and training, not punitive measures.”

Player fines rose an enormous 500% in 2021, and the RLPA maintains that there is little evidence to support the theory that fines act as a meaningful deterrent, and that they disproportionately affect lower-income players.

Just as the old saying goes, ‘If the penalty for a crime is a fine, then the law only exists for the lower class.’

The RLPA will continue to examine and consult with the NRL to work towards a more fair and efficient judiciary system in the future.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #347 – Stargazers

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Peace & Harmony Returns to the World as God’s Winter Game Signals an End to the Worst Off-Season of All Time

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Peace & Harmony Returns to the World as God’s Winter Game Signals an End to the Worst Off-Season of All Time

DYOR Dave

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The sun is shining in Sydney and a sense of excitement has all but washed away the absolute cunt of a month that has tormented Australians since the end of Cricket season. February (and the first week of March) is traditionally recognised as the worst month in the calendar, however, in true 2020s fashion, this has easily been the cream of the crop, if said crop was manure.

Coming off a historic Ashes victory, and a mild treatment from La Niña leading to a decent summer, it seemed that the gods were once again shining upon us after a dark two years. February got off to a quiet start, with the Winter Olympics, a few T20s, the Super Bowl, and the NRL all-stars game to keep the dribblers and the gods content.

Suddenly, in mid-February, tragedy struck in Sydney with a horrific Shark attack that sent shockwaves around the world. What was thought to be a freak event can now be recognised as a dark omen of a bleak fortnight to follow, the gods were beginning to get restless.

Four days later, any anxiety around the ocean was well and truly swept away by the Russian invasion of Ukraine, as fears of a global conflict spread like Covid through a “freedom” rally. Although Australians largely felt safe from danger thanks to our GOAT MOAT, we were soon met with our own disaster, as floods wreaked havoc through the East Coast of Australia.

The gods were clearly angry and were taking it out on the most humble of dribblers both overseas and at home. As March began, dribblers were optimistic as they looked towards Australia’s tour of Pakistan as a respite from the torment of the previous two weeks.

Not only were we treated to one of the most boring test matches in the 250-year history of the game, but Australia lost not one legend of the game, but two. Shane Warne’s unexpected passing shook the nation like nothing else in recent years and only one day after we lost Rod Marsh. It was a dark day in Australian sporting history, the emotions of which still feel fresh in the heads of many cricket lovers. The gods had struck a brutal blow to us mortals, selecting Warnie before his time to join the Heaven XI alongside Bradman, Marsh, and Phil Hughes.

As we sit on the precipice of the 2022 NRL season, God’s winter game is bringing back positivity into the lives of dribblers around the nation. The gods have finished their smiting and are now settled comfortably on the couch with a Bloke in hand, ready to enjoy the greatest game of all.

While the physical, psychological, and environmental damage of the last month may still cast a black cloud over our thoughts, the start of the NRL season brings a shining light into our lives and will be sure to lift the spirits of any dribbler yearning for better days.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #346 – Vale Warnie

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Billy Slater and Dan Carter’s Beer is Suing the Inspired Unemployed for Copying Their Design

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Billy Slater and Dan Carter’s Beer is Suing the Inspired Unemployed for Copying Their Design

DYOR Dave

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There’s a legal battle heating up in the Federal Court at the moment, as the Inspired Unemployed’s Better Beer has been accused of copying the design of Brick Lane’s Sidewinder XPA.

Brick Lane Brewing, whose stakeholders include Billy Slater, Dan Carter, Eddie McGuire, and Mick Molloy, launched legal action in January claiming that the similar off-white can and curved red, orange, and yellow stripes would confuse and potentially harm consumers due to the 3.1% ABV difference of the beers.

As neither company has received approval for their registered trademarks, the case will be fought on the basis of whether Better Beer has “made false, misleading or deceptive representations” involving the branding of their beer.

A response has now been issued from Mighty Craft, owners of Torquay Beverage Company who in turn own part of Better Beer alongside the Inspired Unemployed.

They claim that promotion began for Better Beer in July 2021, before Sidewinders had hit the shelves, and that even as Better Beer went on sale, the sidewinders were sold in “minor” quantities and were not noticeably promoted or advertised.

Additionally, they state that the distinctive brand names, fonts, and layout adequately separate the beers, as does their difference in the market, with Sidewinder promoted as a low alcohol beverage (1.1%), and Better Beer sold as full strength (4.2%).

However, there could be an interesting twist, as Torquay Beverage Company actually approached Brick Lane in June 2021 to inquire about brewing a new brand, however Brick Lane declined due to their expansion of range and minimal capacity to take on new brews.

With the immense success of Better Beer and a projected 4 million litres to be brewed in the coming year, the case could be damaging to the new brand, which owes its success to the popularity of their instafamous stakeholders.

Better-Beer-Sidewinder

 

The conflict has caused an internal struggle in many young Australian men, who for years have idolised the aforementioned athletes, although more recently emulated the personalities of the Instagram sensations.

Rising to fame on the back of skits, dances, and tik toks, the South Coast duo have entrenched themselves in the cultural imagination of Australian youths, and have subsequently enjoyed the fistings of the corporate dollar through partnerships with David Jones, The Iconic, Tradie, Grill’d, and OnlyFans.

It’s not the first time the inspiring and now very much employed duo has faced heat from regulators, after one of their Tradie ads was forced off screens due to its innocent but nonetheless dangerous depiction of having a bath with a boombox.

Better Beer has been popping up at house parties and kickons since its launch in November, and although I’m yet to see a sneaky Sidewinder among them, it’s not hard to see the similarities.

With craft beer now a rapidly growing industry with a relatively small market to target, cases like this are not uncommon in Australian courts.

In 2018 Stone & Wood settled a dispute with Thunder Road brewing over their use of the title “Pacific Ale” following three years of proceedings.

It’s unlikely that these matters will be taken to a courtroom, however, the verdict is still anyone’s guess Senior Associate at law firm Lavan, Andrew  Sutton, “It’s one of those claims where you’re not sure which way it will go because there’s no science to this.”

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #344 – It Is What It Is

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Building Small Metropolis On and Around Shifting Body of Water Apparently Has Consequences

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Building Small Metropolis On and Around Shifting Body of Water Apparently Has Consequences

by Tom Farrelly

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HOW COULD WE HAVE KNOWN?!

 

As Brisbane faces its worst weather emergency since the devastating floods of 2011, many questions are being asked about the future of the city, and how it can avoid suffering further in the future.

Although, there’s one indisputable fact that has come to light during the current flood crisis sweeping South East Queensland. Erecting the country’s third-largest city on top of the state’s longest river seems to present its fair share of headaches every decade or so.

A lot of the folk from outside of Brisbane might be wondering why, after the aftermath of the 2011 floods, we didn’t implement better systems to prevent this from happening again? 

Well, for those without a basic understanding of the Brisbane eco-system – This is the River City! This comes with the territory. You want your river walk on your lunch break from the CBD? That’s fine, but don’t complain when the two overlap!

If you’ve ever tied one on at the Wharves on a Sunday then I don’t want to hear it. If you want your Margi’s under the Story Bridge then, I’m sorry, you’re going to have to cop some trench foot once a decade!’

I mean really, what did you think was going to happen?! You’re eating fried octopus with bull sharks literally swimming under your feet. Don’t act so surprised. 

Sydney people love to think they’re so fancy with their beachfront houses and Harbourview apartments, but they don’t know what it’s really like to live alongside the raw natural force that river water brings.

In the end, it seems many think that living in an above-land Atlantis is amazing for 9 years out of the decade. Shame about the 10th though.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #344 – It Is What It Is

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NBA Star Jarrett Allen Excluded from Team Group Chat for Having an Android – Has Discrimination Gone Too Far?

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NBA Star Jarrett Allen Excluded from Team Group Chat for Having an Android – Has Discrimination Gone Too Far?

DYOR Dave

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Jarrett Allen is no ordinary basketballer. He was a first-round pick in the 2017 NBA draft and after an impressive few years at the Brooklyn Nets, earned himself a tidy contract replacing James Harden Cleveland Cavaliers.

Despite coming to the team with high hopes and a bright future, Allen was brutally and maliciously discriminated against by his own teammates for his use of an Android phone.

As he was initiated into the team group chats, other players began to grow suspicious of his messages, and the coloured bubbles in which they were appearing.

Allen bravely recounted his traumatic experience, saying  “I actually had to get an iPhone, I have an Android and an iPhone… the team wouldn’t let me in the group text. They wanted all blue messages.”

With group chats providing a significant foundation for the bonding of teams as well as a safe outlet for all forms of dribble and yarn, the crime of exclusion is arguably the most heinous of all.

Source: StatCounter Global Stats – OS Market Share

Source: StatCounter Global Stats – OS Market Share

 

As a proud owner of android phones for nearly a decade, this harmful discrimination was all too relatable.

Like myself, I’m sure other android users have faced years of torment for our widgets, green messages, and a swathe of random-sounding brands like Oppo, HTC, Huawei or ZTE.

The meaningless suffering appears to stem from nothing but an unfounded sense of superiority gained by overpaying for a slightly shinier piece of metal that does all of the same things.

Almost 70% of the world’s population owns an android phone, while under 30% have an iPhone, yet those numbers are nearly reversed in Australia with iPhone commanding 57% of the market share, and Android a respectable 40%.

Here at the Hello Sport Podcast, we have a strong ratio of 2-1 Androids for every smartphone, with Eddy the only sheep among the pack, and as the Ps and Ds know all too well, HSP are always at the forefront of the hottest trends.

As there’s not too much else going on in the world right now, and with an election in a few months’ time, I think it’s time to campaign for not only better treatment of Android users nationwide, but a stronger representation of Androids in our most esteemed institutions.

iPhones never

Androids forever

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #343 – GOAT MOAT

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You Could Own Fatty Vautin’s Beachhouse for a Measly $4 Million – Gloryhole Not Included

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You Could Own Fatty Vautin’s Beachhouse for a Measly $4 Million – Gloryhole Not Included

DYOR Dave

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Paul “Fatty” Vautin is one of the most beloved personalities in Rugby League, and if you’ve ever wanted to live and bask in the glory of a space he once called home, now’s your chance.

The former Manly and Queensland legend is selling his penthouse in Gold Coast the suburb of Mermaid Beach and they’re expecting offers of over $4 million. Not bad for a guy selling personalised cameo videos for 100 bucks a pop.

Fatty and his wife purchased the property 13 years ago for $1.8 million and have since renovated it, with Vautin saying, “I think we might have overpaid but we didn’t care, we just wanted it.”

Since then, the Vautins have been using it as a holiday house, as Fatty commuted around Australia for commentary spots and Footy Show recordings.

In an interview with realestate.com.au, Mrs. Vautin was described as a “renovation queen” and spoke of their intentions to build a new house for the couple to live in.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 5.16.04 pm

 

Along with two levels and a private lift, the apartment has a furnished roof that can fit around 100 people and has been rumoured to have hosted a fair amount of origin victory parties, meaning its sturdiness is beyond question.

The property is only a short walk from Nobby’s Beach, and while Fatty will no doubt miss making jokes about the name, his wife certainly won’t.

With Vautin now only commentating on Brisbane and Gold Coast games, the couple has time to spend in either of their two other coastal properties in Queensland, but the Fat has hinted that he may take some time away from the game, “We might even go travelling for a while, because we love travelling”

Unfortunately, the house will be stripped of all ornaments Fatty has collected throughout his career, although the most prized piece of Fatty memorabilia, the giant gloryhole, still sits safely at Hello Sport HQ.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #343 – GOAT MOAT

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With the Bledisloe Scaled Down to 2 Matches, Have Rugby Australia Finally Accepted our Beta Status?

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With the Bledisloe Scaled Down to 2 Matches, Have Rugby Australia Finally Accepted our Beta Status?

DYOR Dave

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This week Rugby Union fans were treated to the news that the Bledisloe Cup would now be only 2 tests, meaning the Wallabies would have to defeat New Zealand both times in order to regain the long-lost cup.

The news was met with an ambivalent response, much like most news about Rugby these days, as, on the one hand, fans can be relieved that it’s one less game to see our nation be pounded into the ground by our little brother neighbours.

However, on the other hand, the news signifies yet another milestone in the slow death of our once-great Rugby nation, it’s an honest admittance that we’re no longer at the level of the All Blacks, and probably never will be again.

It’s a tough realisation for the linen-clad, RM Williams wearing die-hards that still think we can be a top team with a few minor changes to coaches and squads.

But the ultimate truth is that we now belong in the company of beta teams like Wales, Scotland and Samoa, rather than the alphas like New Zealand or South Africa.

It may be a tough pill to swallow, but the sooner we remove the bandaid of Bledisloe hope from the hairy leg of our national pride, the sooner we get to enjoy the smooth skin of playing beta sides and actually winning games.

Life is all about expectation management, if you set low goals you’ll never be disappointed. The climate of Rugby in Australia is so dire that international clashes are rarely expected to produce positive results, and most fans have all but tuned out of the domestic league.

Thus, it would appear that now is the perfect time to transition from the top tier of international rugby to the second tier. Imagine next year, a schedule full of clashes that actually look winnable, it would seem almost too good to be true.

Maybe we'd feel more comfortable playing underdeveloped African nations regularly

 

Naturally, after over a decade of what can only be described as torturous Rugby, fans will still go into these matches expecting a loss.

It’s a risk I’ll admit, if we were to lose to a beta country it could plummet our rugby culture further into the depths of obscurity, but a win could just as easily reinvigorate the nation and, to paraphrase one of the pre-WWIII world leaders, ‘Make the Wallabies Great Again.’

New Zealand are already eclipsing us on the world stage in the political, environmental, and economic spheres, so maybe it’s time they took on the duty of being leaders of the Pacific, and we can sit back and enjoy being an inconsequential yet tropical Pacific Island nation.

Even if we clean sweep our rivals in the first year of being a minnow, I’m almost certain that fans will write it off as a fluke and still expect heavy losses the following year, such is the depth of the traumatic scars that have been left by nearly 20 years of Rugby disappointment.

It would at the very least provide around 5 years of joyful, winning footy, and allow the game to build back the fanbase it so generously donated to other sports this millennium, before the fickle fans eventually start expecting more and demanding a return to Bledisloes.

But then what about New Zealand? Are they now going to assume the role of the Harlem Globetrotters and travel the world embarrassing whatever team stands in front of them? Is that really any different from what they are doing already? Surely even they want to see competitive Rugby and exciting matches, not just endless blowouts and guaranteed victories.

Well perhaps it’s time to take a leaf out of Rugby League’s book and allow players to represent their heritage, bolstering up the stocks of teams like Samoa, Fiji, Tonga, and even Australia (can we please have a few All Blacks as well thanks.)

Alternatively, maybe New Zealand are now only allowed to play invitational sides like the Barbarians, or a pacific all-stars team, and the world cup merely becomes a round-robin where the All Blacks play every day until finally they’re fatigued enough to lose a match.

Whatever the future holds for Rugby Union, it’s clear that change is necessary to maintain some sort of support for the code in our country, because despite its clear inferiority to god’s winter game of Rugby League, it’s still an inescapable part of our identity, and one that desperately needs a glow-up.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #343 – GOAT MOAT

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What if the NRL Had a Coaches Draft?

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What if the NRL Had a Coaches Draft?

by Angus Horner

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This idea was originally a bit of a fever dream on my train home from work, which is where all the ripest ideas traditionally form. Basically, it boils down to this, Saint Peter decided over the off season 21-22 that the National Rugby Football League could use a bit of a shake-up. To that end, all head coaches are relieved of their current contracts, effective immediately, and enter the draft lottery. Ready to be drafted and make the move to their new teams. 

Before digging into this delightful short-ball-through-a-gap of an idea, let’s lay out a few ground rules and guiding principles. 

We’re aiming to win the premiership in 2022 with each club’s currently contracted (for 2022) roster, but some consideration may or may not be given to future years performance (inconsistent, I know, but I made the rules and I’m happy with it). Any coach selected is keen to make the move, excited for 2022, and believes in the board’s vision enough to sign a three-year coaching deal. 

Order of the draft was determined by random selection. Clubs were placed into the pool a number of times according to their regular season finish in 2021 (i.e. Bulldogs entered into the draw 16 times). Once drawn, the clubs were removed from the pool. This means the Bulldogs had roughly 12% chance of receiving the first pick in the draft. Meanwhile Melbourne enjoyed 0.7% chance of relishing pick number 1. Consideration is given to the current state of the club, the personalities of the players (as best I can tell), and how the overall situation may benefit from a new coach.

When I first dreamt this up I had Wayne Bennett available as a wildcard, but now it feels wrong to tear him away from the ‘Location-Unknown’ Dolphins. With the ‘Phins he shall stay. 

To remind us, the clubs’ finishing order of the 2021 regular season:

1. Storm

 2. Penrith

3. South Sydney

4. Manly

5. Sydney

6. Parramatta

7, Newcastle

8. Gold Coast

9. Cronulla

10. Canberra

11. St George Illawarra

12. New Zealand

13. Wests

14. Brisbane

15. North Queensland

16. Canterbury

Their currently contracted coaches for 2022, providing us the list of coaches available in the draft – in parentheses the total number of premierships won as head coach in the National Rugby League *(including stripped premierships – he still coached them to victory, so they count on the resume).

Craig Bellamy (5)*

Ivan Cleary (1)

Jason Demetriou (0)

Des Hasler (2)

Trent Robinson (3)

Brad Arthur (0)

Adam O’Brien (0)

Justin Holbrook (0)

Craig Fitzgibbon (0)

Ricky Stuart (1)

Anthony Griffin (0)

Nathan Brown (0)

Michael Maguire (1)

Kevin Walters (0)

Todd Payten (0)

Trent Barrett (0)

Without further ado, the randomly selected draft order:

1. New Zealand

2. St George Illawarra

3. Sydney

4. North Queensland

5. South Sydney

6. Canterbury

7. Brisbane

8. Canberra

9. Gold Coast

10. Manly

11. Newcastle

12. Penrith

13. Cronulla

14. Wests

15. Parramatta

16. Melbourne
Could Robbo lead the Warriors to their first Premiership?

Could Robbo lead the Warriors to their first Premiership?

 

With the first pick in the 2022 NRL head coaches draft the New Zealand Warriors go right ahead and select: Trent Robinson. There are a few shocked faces in the conference room, and more than a few cameras pan over to get a reaction from Bellamy. However, as both a proven premiership winner and one that did it in his first head coaching season, Robinson ticks the boxes of immediate and consistent success. Both are sorely needed by the Warriors.

Picking second the St George Illawarra Dragons can’t risk a Sam Bowie-Michael Jordan situation by leaving him on the board, so they excitedly select Coach Craig Bellamy.

The Sydney Roosters will be disappointed to lose Trent Robinson after having such good fortune at the lottery to pick third. They’re still in a strong position though with three premiership-winning head coaches remaining on the board. Sydney is a glamour club so who better to coach them than the most glamorous hair in the game? The Roosters take Des Hasler off the board, Uncle Nick celebrates, and Angus Crichton (forgive me for living in a fantasy where Gus’ flowing locks still reign supreme) immediately calls him up to talk all things shampoo. 

I think the Cowboys have to think longer-term fit here. They need a coach that fits into the slower pace of Townsville living. They need a coach able to oversee the creation of a revitalised culture to fill the still gaping Thurston-sized hole in the club. They need someone to keep Taumalolo’s hands safe. The Cowboys at pick 4 select Ivan Cleary, although they feel sad to say farewell to Todd Payten after only one season. Ivan has just overseen an enduringly tough premiership victory with the Panthers. His ability to lead the team to win with an entirely different style to their previous regular-season success is a trick this Cowboys team will delight in as they move into a new era. 

It was 2014 and life was good. Big Greg Inglis patrolled out the back and Bigger Sam Burgess patrolled up the front. Then life got in the way of Michael Maguire at South Sydney… Coming off a successful 2021 Souths start to have second thoughts about someone untested filling the Supercoach’s shoes. They’d like to keep momentum up. Whispers emerge as they’re on the clock that they might go for a familiar face. There are enough veterans in the team that the club powerbrokers think the fit will be good. The Bunnies take Maguire and the playing group collectively shudders at the thought of pre-season. Life is good again. 

Canterbury is up. A tough team. A struggling team. A team that Phil Gould has returned to, to save the day. Phil surveys the list (because of course he ends up making the final call) and sees one former premiership winner on the board. In fact, someone he’s enjoyed success with before. It’s settled, he says, we’re taking Stick. Ricky Stuart goes off the board.

The Mighty Brisbane Broncos take Kevin Walters before Phil Gould is even off the stage and immediately cue the music – “Next Year We’ve Got Kevvie” triumphantly echoes around the stadium. Rival teams shake in their boots. On to pick 8.

With pick 8 Canberra is looking for someone to oversee their return to form, after struggling in 2021 compared to previous years. One coach on the board has overseen the rise of a genuine top 6 team, which is a thing Raiders brass steadfastly believe they should be. They pick Brad Arthur and the players look forward to a few less coaching blow-ups in 2022.

Much like their neighbours slightly to the North, the Titans know when they’re onto a good thing. With pick number 9 they retain Justin Holbrook. On we plunge to the depths of the draft lottery.

Manly find themselves in a bit of a tough spot picking at number 10. No doubt they’ll be pining for Des – especially considering he’s played or coached in most of their success over the years. That said, it only makes logical sense to go from flowing locks to the opposite in a smooth bald pate, so they take a risk on the rookie Craig Fitzgibbon. He’s only just arrived in Cronulla and seems happy enough to instead cruise up to the Peninsula along the T1.

Maybe I’m a bit tired. Or maybe the Knights also feel like they’re onto a good thing. They pick up Adam O’Brien with great value at the eleventh pick. I promise, that from now on, no further coach stays put.

Penrith are in an interesting spot picking twelfth. They’re coming off a premiership-winning year with a largely intact core group of players and they should be confident. The coaches available on the board consist of two of their ex-flames (one in an assistant capacity), two less experienced coaches, and one Nathan Brown. In the end, they stick to the old adage – when in doubt, go hot. The Penrith Panthers select Trent Barrett and bring him back to the foot of the mountains.

That brings us to the thirteenth pick in the draft, held by the Cronulla Sharks. They waste no time in scooping up Todd Payten with, in my opinion, the steal of the draft. Todd’s value may have taken a hit after a tough year at the Cowboys in 2021, but he showed in 2020 with the Warriors his ability to bring a group together. I expect that the sharks, having recruited wisely this summer, will make a bit of a finals run in 2022. Up Up.

Wests Tigers have done it all and seen it all over the past few years. To their long-suffering fans, their bad luck in the draft lottery probably felt like simply another brick in the wall of disappointment. All that said, with Tim Sheens back on board we can expect they’ll make the best of this pick. Personally, I have a good feeling about Jason Demetriou, and if I know ‘Sheensy’ at all, I know that we think alike. The Tigers, at 14, snap up Demetriou on a 3-year deal.

So, the Eels then the Storm – picks 15 and 16. On the table, two experienced NRL coaches coming from currently struggling clubs. I imagine that wherever they go, Brown and Griffin will be excited to see what they can do with a star-studded roster. 

No doubt it’s a tough call, but for reasons they can’t quite put their finger on Parramatta picks Nathan Brown at 15. Without much fanfare, the Storm go ahead and take the man they call Hook, Anthony Griffin, with the last pick in the draft. Hook was an assistant coach in Melbourne a decade before he coached the Broncos. The Storm are pleased – the last coach with a Brisbane connection they brought down didn’t go half bad…

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

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