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Saint Peter V’landys Announces NRL to be First Sport Celebrating Christmas After Consultation With the Saint Community

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Saint Peter V’landys Announces NRL to be First Sport Celebrating Christmas After Consultation With the Saint Community

by Winston Neville

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Reports are emerging that Saint Peter V’landys, the son of christ and grandson of God, has organised the NRL to celebrate Christmas on the 11th of December, two weeks before the rest of the world. 

Using his powers and status as the direct descendent of God himself, Saint Peter has consulted with Saint Nicholas and the wider Saint community to ensure Rugby League is once again leading the entire planet.

The announcement comes 18 months after Saint Peter orchestrated the NRL to be the first sport to return amidst a global pandemic, and one of the first to allow crowds.

While his efforts in mid-2020 were recognised and celebrated around the world, this new achievement is sure to cement Saint Peter as an eternal figure of holiness and an incomparable operator.

Despite Christmas traditionally falling on the 25th for centuries, V’landys has looked at this situation the same way as others he has dealt with in Racing and Rugby League; he didn’t like the rule, so he changed it.

Celebrations have already begun for Saint Peter and the NRL community, who have all been enjoying the fruits of the off-season, from player scandals, to media beat-ups, to top-of-the-heap podcast guests.

Saint Peter’s actions haven’t been well-received by all, with Scaredy Cat Gill McLachlan reportedly starting to turn green and planning to steal the NRL’s early Christmas.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

 

Check out the Latest Hello Sport Podcast episode #317 – Bandwagoners

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Has the NRL become more reputable than our Government?

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Has the NRL become more reputable than our Government?

DYOR Dave

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If there’s one thing that highlights the absurdity of our unbelievable dystopia that is the 2020s, its the fact that the NRL is currently better behaved, and more competently managed than the Australian Government.

Imagine telling a woman in 2004 that one day she would feel safer in a bar filled with NRL players than she would in parliament house. She’d sooner believe that Pauline Hanson became prime minister.

Yet, after what can only be described as a fuckstorm of controversy for the Coalition government over the last month, it would be rare to find a person who still has faith in the capabilities of our elected leaders.

Meanwhile, the dawn of the new decade has brought an unforeseen rise in the professional standards of both the NRL players and management. While the government may be the subject of worldwide ridicule for outdated climate policies and ridiculous media codes, the NRL has received universal praise for its handling of the COVID pandemic as well as its high standards of inclusivity and diversity.

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Under the omnipotent rule of Saint Peter V’Landys, the NRL was among the first sporting leagues in the world to resume play after COVID, while our government has been one of the last in the developed world to roll out the vaccines.

Similarly, our government recently made an enormous sacrifice to gift the indigenous population the monumental single word change in the national anthem, for the sake of reconciliation. Conversely, the NRL continues to lead the way in programs, both symbolic and practical, that aim to close the gap and advance the reconciliation between indigenous and non-indigenous Australians.

Most notably, the government has come under immense scrutiny recently for its poor handling of multiple sexual assault allegations, something that is all too familiar for rugby league fans. However, a quick look at the stats in the last year will uncover more perpetrators of sexual violence within the ranks of parliament than in the rosters of NRL teams.

While some may observe these surprising anomalies as nothing but a sign of the times, it does present us with an unexpected reality and a rare opportunity. Peter V’landys should be Prime Minister.

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One only needs to look towards the nicknames given by the public to see who truly is the superior leader. The sheer reverence of ‘Saint Peter V’landys, son of Christ, grandson of God’ towers in superiority over the nicknames given to our prime minister: ScoMo, Slomo, Scummo, Promo, Scotty from marketing, Guy who shit himself at Engadine Maccas in 97.

Day by day, it’s seeming increasingly likely that the next prime minister will be former Rabbitohs board member Anthony Albanese, a man who campaigned fiercely for souths reinstatement into the NRL in the early 2000s. This genuine love for the great game of Rugby League will suitably prepare the population for the inevitable rise of Saint Peter, who will assumably contest the 2024/25 election after 5 years of cementing the NRL as the premier sporting competition in the world.

It’s fair to say that every Australian would be happier, safer and more prosperous under the rule of Saint Peter V’landys. After conquering the racing world, and now conquering the footy world, it seems only natural that the next step for SPVL is to take on the responsibilities of the entire nation and restore it to the prestige it has always deserved.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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The Only 3 Reasons Izzy Folau Wants to Return to the NRL

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The Only 3 Reasons Izzy Folau Wants to Return to the NRL

DYOR Dave

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Here we are once again, at the crossroads between morality, religion and Rugby League, where fans who usually avoid politics at all costs are now thrust into formulating opinions on matters far outside the realm of regular pre-season discussion.

There’s no doubt that Folau knows how to throb on the footy field, but his off-field actions and outdated beliefs have unanimously been criticised for having no place in our multicultural and modern game.

However, all this discussion about whether he should be allowed to play appears to ignore one important question. Why does Folau want to join an NRL club? And what does this tell us about his current religious beliefs?

Folau famously caused a controversial stir which saw his exit from Rugby Union after he posted an instagram photo showcasing his belief that drunks, homosexuals, adulterers, liars, fornicators, thieves, atheists and idolaters are all destined for hell. 

Why then, would he want to return to a league that is internationally renowned for being a breeding ground for drunks, adulterers, fornicators and liars? 

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This leaves only three possibilities about his true intentions of returning to the league:

The first, and simplest is that Folau has ditched his religious beliefs, and seen the light that the one true deity worth worshipping is Saint Peter V’landys, son of Christ and Grandson of God. This would make sense as Folau may be rejoining the league to repent for his sins to SPVL, and redeem himself through on-field throbbing and off-field observance to Saint Peter’s commandments.

The second possibility is that Folau is drunk on righteousness, and believes he is the man destined to convert players and bring religious adherence to the sport. If this is the case, we wish him the best of luck and look forward to what will presumably be a spectacular failure.

The third and far less interesting possibility is that Folau, much like many other rich and outspoken religious figures, uses his faith only when convenient to him, or to advance his own agenda. 

If this third possibility is indeed the truth, then not only would it place Folau in a moral position below that of many current NRL players, but it would also mean he falls into the category of a liar, which according to his own rhetoric, would land him an eternity in hell alongside past and future teammates.

Regardless of which is the real motivation behind his return, Folau’s presence will most certainly add to an entertaining season of the NRL soap opera in 2021.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site