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All Signs Point to England Leaking Tim Paine’s Dick Pics to Distract From Their Racism Scandal

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All Signs Point to England Leaking Tim Paine’s Dick Pics to Distract From Their Racism Scandal

DYOR Dave

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The nation was shaken yesterday as Tim Paine announced in a teary press conference that he will no longer be captaining the Test side. Following the leaking of explicit messages sent by Paine to a female employee of Cricket Tasmania, the wicketkeeper decided he would step down to avoid controversy damaging the preparations for the upcoming Ashes series.

While these events have shocked cricket fans in Australia, many may not be aware that there is currently a more sinister story unfolding in the cricketing world of England. A racism scandal has erupted involving one of England’s most successful clubs, creating front-page headlines around the world that the English cricket team would love to see moved a few pages deeper.

Former Yorkshire player Azeem Rafiq has testified in front of a parliamentary committee that he faced extensive racism and Islamaphobia while playing at the club and that it unequivocally caused the end of his career. Since then, a slew of racism allegations have been leveled at numerous players, including a photo of Alex Hales dressed as Tupac in blackface.

While the notion of British people being horrendously racist should surprise no one, the specific details and the ramifications of these events have caused both an ethical crisis and a PR crisis for English cricket. What’s one of the best defences against a PR crisis? A distraction.

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Have you ever seen a government make a completely useless and unnecessary announcement? Chances are they’re trying to grab the headlines to bury something they don’t want seen. Conspiracists will tell you that major events like 9/11 and the Las Vegas shooting were large-scale distractions to bury the news of something far more sinister, but I’m no conspiracist, I’m a truth seeker. And the truth of this matter is that England has a motive, and the most to gain out of Tim Paine’s sexting story stealing the limelight off of their own misdeeds.

After an historic T20 World Cup win, Australia was coming into the ashes with significant momentum, meanwhile, the Brits are falling to pieces after a disappointing result that was compounded by the racism allegations. Australia looked set for another 5-0 victory, with concerns around the form of key players like Dave Warner and the trust in Justin Langer all but quashed following a successful campaign.

Now, less than a month from the first test, a story about something that happened and was dealt with four years ago leaks to the press and brings down the captain of Australia. The timing couldn’t be more convenient for England, who are now able to fly under the radar while exploiting the revelations for sledges on the pitch. I’m not going to say that England are responsible for the leaked text messages, I’m just here to join the dots, and let the dribbler decide for themselves.

 

Poms never

5-0 Ashes wins soon

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

torture

5 Medieval Torture Techniques that Still Aren’t Harsh Enough for People who Leak Videos of Their Mates

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5 Medieval Torture Techniques that Still Aren’t Harsh Enough for People who Leak Videos of Their Mates

DYOR Dave

torture

 

If you ever needed any proof that the law doesn’t always equal morality, look no further than this. In the last two days, videos have emerged of two of the game’s finest young athletes enjoying themselves after a long, tough season. The videos allegedly show them partaking in “illegal” behaviour, and they will no doubt face consequences for that in the form of suspensions or fines. Yet there’s one person in this situation who has committed a heinous crime, yet will go largely unpunished, the Rat.

We often see rats in the public sphere hanging off footy players in pubs and clubs, scavenging for 15 seconds of daily-mail-worthy video in an attempt to get their own 15 seconds of fame. Such is the world we’re living in that this is a part of public life, but when the rat has scurried its way into the inside, decisive action is needed. I’ve come up with a few suggestions that, while inadequate, can provide a basis to begin a proper punishment procedure.

 

The Scold’s Bridle

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Commonly featured in Britain during the 16th and 17th centuries, these iron muzzles were mostly forced on women who were accused of gossiping, witchcraft, or general “riotous language.” As well as stopping the wearer from speaking, it often contained spikes on the inside of the mouthpiece. Perhaps a fitting punishment for a modern-day traitorous gossip.

 

Rat Torture

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Originating in ancient Rome, rat torture involved tying a prisoner down and letting hungry rats go wild all over them. Used mainly for interrogation, the method was revived by fascist governments in South America during the 20th century. A well-suited punishment that certainly fits the crime, the perpetrator may actually feel at home among his brethren.

 

The Man Cage

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Less torture, more public humiliation, the Man Cage was used in England and Italy where prisoners would be left suspended for days in the town square. To modernise this practice, maybe we could tie a man cage to the spider cam wires at the grand final. It would be a chance to let the crowd air their grievances in a cathartic pre-game ritual that could even become a yearly tradition, fit right in between the retiring players parade and a live performance by someone who had a mildly successful hit 8 years ago.

 

The Judas Cradle

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Just as Judas himself betrayed Jesus (of Christ fame), so has the rat betrayed two of our game’s most holy and treasured leaders. This horrific punishment saw the perpetrator forced to sit on a wooden or iron pyramid for hours or even days until they either confessed or had suffered enough. It seems only fair that whatever suspensions the players serve, the rat should have to serve double the amount of time on the Judas Cradle.

 

The Pear of Anguish

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I’ll let you figure this one out…

 

 

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site