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5 Medieval Torture Techniques that Still Aren’t Harsh Enough for People who Leak Videos of Their Mates

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5 Medieval Torture Techniques that Still Aren’t Harsh Enough for People who Leak Videos of Their Mates

DYOR Dave

torture

 

If you ever needed any proof that the law doesn’t always equal morality, look no further than this. In the last two days, videos have emerged of two of the game’s finest young athletes enjoying themselves after a long, tough season. The videos allegedly show them partaking in “illegal” behaviour, and they will no doubt face consequences for that in the form of suspensions or fines. Yet there’s one person in this situation who has committed a heinous crime, yet will go largely unpunished, the Rat.

We often see rats in the public sphere hanging off footy players in pubs and clubs, scavenging for 15 seconds of daily-mail-worthy video in an attempt to get their own 15 seconds of fame. Such is the world we’re living in that this is a part of public life, but when the rat has scurried its way into the inside, decisive action is needed. I’ve come up with a few suggestions that, while inadequate, can provide a basis to begin a proper punishment procedure.

 

The Scold’s Bridle

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Commonly featured in Britain during the 16th and 17th centuries, these iron muzzles were mostly forced on women who were accused of gossiping, witchcraft, or general “riotous language.” As well as stopping the wearer from speaking, it often contained spikes on the inside of the mouthpiece. Perhaps a fitting punishment for a modern-day traitorous gossip.

 

Rat Torture

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Originating in ancient Rome, rat torture involved tying a prisoner down and letting hungry rats go wild all over them. Used mainly for interrogation, the method was revived by fascist governments in South America during the 20th century. A well-suited punishment that certainly fits the crime, the perpetrator may actually feel at home among his brethren.

 

The Man Cage

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Less torture, more public humiliation, the Man Cage was used in England and Italy where prisoners would be left suspended for days in the town square. To modernise this practice, maybe we could tie a man cage to the spider cam wires at the grand final. It would be a chance to let the crowd air their grievances in a cathartic pre-game ritual that could even become a yearly tradition, fit right in between the retiring players parade and a live performance by someone who had a mildly successful hit 8 years ago.

 

The Judas Cradle

The-Judas-Cradle

 

Just as Judas himself betrayed Jesus (of Christ fame), so has the rat betrayed two of our game’s most holy and treasured leaders. This horrific punishment saw the perpetrator forced to sit on a wooden or iron pyramid for hours or even days until they either confessed or had suffered enough. It seems only fair that whatever suspensions the players serve, the rat should have to serve double the amount of time on the Judas Cradle.

 

The Pear of Anguish

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I’ll let you figure this one out…

 

 

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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What Makes a Player Worth $1 Million?

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What Makes a Player Worth $1 Million?

Intern Brayden

Untitled design (82)

 

The Salary Cap. One of the most controversial and complex topics in league, but one that brings with it many a yarn. How can the Roosters possibly be under the cap? Has DYOR Dave overcome the 2007/09 cheating scandal that rocked the Storm? Did the Cowboys accidentally add a zero to Townsend’s contract? All questions that get raised in pubs all over the country as dribblers morph into accountants and economists after consuming a few Blokes. The intricacies of ‘The Cap’ like back-ended deals, third party agreements etc. are too complex for me, but I do want to discuss one idea. What makes a player worth $1 million per year?

Compared to other sports around the world, $1 million is peanuts. However, in our little world of Rugba Leeg, it is reserved for the top of the heap (or it should be). To put this into context, here are some stats.The current players on $1M per year are DCE, Ben Hunt, James Tedesco, Tom Trbojevic, David Fifita, Shaun Johnson, Cameron Munster and Kalyn Ponga. Honourable mentions must go to a few who fall just shy including Ash Taylor (960K), Moses Mbye ($950K), Mitch Moses ($920K) and Anthony Milford ($940K).

There are 30 players in a team’s squad. The Cap for each team is $9.9 million. So, a $1 million player takes up just over 10% of the teams cap. If DYOR and his communist friends had their way and each player was paid equally, they would all be earning $330,000. The minimum salary for top-26 players is $115,000 and $77,500 for players 27-30. This means that a player on $1 million is earning 13 times more than their lowest paid teammate and should therefore be 13 times more valuable to the organisation.  A $1 million player needs to be somebody you can build a club around, who is able to do things that others simply cannot. This can be split into what they bring both on and off the field.

Clutch Personified: DCE has kicked 23 field goals in his career
Clutch Personified: DCE has kicked 23 field goals in his career

 

On the Field

If you make the top-30 of an NRL squad, you know how to play footy. I guarantee that if you put the 17 least paid players on the field, they would be able to compete against most teams, at least as much as the Bulldogs do. For someone to be worth 13 times more than someone next to them, they must have the ability to single-handedly, significantly influence the outcome of a game, consistently.

A player of this calibre can create a line break and force the defence to scramble by themselves, be it with footwork and speed, ball skills or pure strength. They’re able to do this at half-way, on the oppositions try line and both in the middle third or ‘outside the numbers’. If they are a kicker, they must be able to create space for themselves, find a repeat set and land the ball on a dime to create scoring chances and avoid conceding penalties or 7 tackle sets. They must have the ability to land a game winning field goal or conversion under pressure. Finally, they influence a play without even touching the ball as the defence recognises a threat and overcompensates, leaving plenty of space for their teammates.

For example, in 2021 Tom Trbojevic averages 2.62 Line Break Assists per game and Nathan Cleary averages 1.07 Try Assists per game. Comparing this to other well-respected players in their position, Will Kennedy averages 0.82 LBA per game and Luke Brooks averages 0.73 TA per game.

 

Once touted as a million dollar man, Ben Barba's off-field form let him down
Once touted as a million dollar man, Ben Barba’s off-field form let him down

 

Off the Field

While being hot automatically increases wages by 20%, clubs still must weigh up how much of a good bloke he is. The ability to influence the outcome of a game on the field is necessary, yet what happens if they were to get injured, or even suspended? It’s hard to ignore these factors when negotiating contracts and as such, a player must be able to influence their team’s performance from the sidelines.

A player worth $1 million must bring the best out of his teammates, explicitly or implicitly. Leadership is an unquantifiable quality, however, it is one I believe must be seen in all million-dollar men. The 1%ers on and off the field that create good habits, the managing of relationships in the team and being the segue between coach and player all inspire teammates to buy into their mission and achieve what they are capable of.

Knowing the qualities of this type of player and the impact he can have on an organisation makes other players want to play alongside them and do so for less money in the hope of improving as a player and a person. Suddenly, this player has individually changed his team’s identity even before lacing the boots. This is what we see happening at the Storm and Roosters and is clearly the formula for long term success.

With all this in mind I believe teams are handing out big contract’s willy nilly, and they need to reel it in. Million-dollar contracts should be reserved for somebody who displays not just some of these characteristics, but all of them. The short list of players I believe deserve this kind of money right now are Turbo, Cleary, Teddy, and Munster. That’s it. Roast me in the comments and change my mind or agree with me. I want to hear your thoughts on what justifies a $1 million pay packet.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

Untitled design (82)

What Makes a Player worth $1 Million?

, , , , , , , , , ,

What Makes a Player worth $1 Million?

by Intern Brayden

Untitled design (82)

 

The Salary Cap. One of the most controversial and complex topics in league, but one that brings with it many a yarn. How can the Roosters possibly be under the cap? Has DYOR Dave overcome the 2007/09 cheating scandal that rocked the Storm? Did the Cowboys accidentally add a zero to Townsend’s contract? All questions that get raised in pubs all over the country as dribblers morph into accountants and economists after consuming a few Blokes. The intricacies of ‘The Cap’ like back-ended deals, third party agreements etc. are too complex for me, but I do want to discuss one idea. What makes a player worth $1 million per year?

Compared to other sports around the world, $1 million is peanuts. However, in our little world of Rugba Leeg, it is reserved for the top of the heap (or it should be). To put this into context, here are some stats.

The current players on $1M per year are DCE, Ben Hunt, James Tedesco, Tom Trbojevic, David Fifita, Shaun Johnson, Cameron Munster and Kalyn Ponga. Honourable mentions must go to a few who fall just shy including Ash Taylor (960K), Moses Mbye ($950K), Mitch Moses ($920K) and Anthony Milford ($940K).

There are 30 players in a team’s squad. The Cap for each team is $9.9 million. So, a $1 million player takes up just over 10% of the teams cap. If DYOR and his communist friends had their way and each player was paid equally, they would all be earning $330,000. The minimum salary for top-26 players is $115,000 and $77,500 for players 27-30. This means that a player on $1 million is earning 13 times more than their lowest paid teammate and should therefore be 13 times more valuable to the organisation.  A $1 million player needs to be somebody you can build a club around, who is able to do things that others simply cannot. This can be split into what they bring both on and off the field.

Clutch Personified: DCE has kicked 23 field goals in his career
Clutch Personified: DCE has kicked 23 field goals in his career

 

On the Field

If you make the top-30 of an NRL squad, you know how to play footy. I guarantee that if you put the 17 least paid players on the field, they would be able to compete against most teams, at least as much as the Bulldogs do. For someone to be worth 13 times more than someone next to them, they must have the ability to single-handedly, significantly influence the outcome of a game, consistently.

A player of this calibre can create a line break and force the defence to scramble by themselves, be it with footwork and speed, ball skills or pure strength. They’re able to do this at half-way, on the oppositions try line and both in the middle third or ‘outside the numbers’. If they are a kicker, they must be able to create space for themselves, find a repeat set and land the ball on a dime to create scoring chances and avoid conceding penalties or 7 tackle sets. They must have the ability to land a game winning field goal or conversion under pressure. Finally, they influence a play without even touching the ball as the defence recognises a threat and overcompensates, leaving plenty of space for their teammates.

For example, in 2021 Tom Trbojevic averages 2.62 Line Break Assists per game and Nathan Cleary averages 1.07 Try Assists per game. Comparing this to other well-respected players in their position, Will Kennedy averages 0.82 LBA per game and Luke Brooks averages 0.73 TA per game.

Once touted as a million dollar man, Ben Barba's off field form let him down
Once touted as a million dollar man, Ben Barba’s off field form let him down

Off the Field

While being hot automatically increases wages by 20%, clubs still must weigh up how much of a good bloke he is. The ability to influence the outcome of a game on the field is necessary, yet what happens if they were to get injured, or even suspended? It’s hard to ignore these factors when negotiating contracts and as such, a player must be able to influence their team’s performance from the sidelines.

A player worth $1 million must bring the best out of his teammates, explicitly or implicitly. Leadership is an unquantifiable quality, however, it is one I believe must be seen in all million-dollar men. The 1%ers on and off the field that create good habits, the managing of relationships in the team and being the segue between coach and player all inspire teammates to buy into their mission and achieve what they are capable of.

Knowing the qualities of this type of player and the impact he can have on an organisation makes other players want to play alongside them and do so for less money in the hope of improving as a player and a person. Suddenly, this player has individually changed his team’s identity even before lacing the boots. This is what we see happening at the Storm and Roosters and is clearly the formula for long term success.

With all this in mind I believe teams are handing out big contract’s willy nilly, and they need to reel it in. Million-dollar contracts should be reserved for somebody who displays not just some of these characteristics, but all of them. The short list of players I believe deserve this kind of money right now are Turbo, Cleary, Teddy, and Munster. That’s it. Roast me in the comments and change my mind or agree with me. I want to hear your thoughts on what justifies a $1 million pay packet.

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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Who Needs Porn When You’ve got Storm Fullbacks

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DYOR Dave: “Who Needs Porn When You’ve got Storm Fullbacks”

DYOR Dave

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I hate to write another article jacking off to the insane success of the Melbourne Storm… wait, no I don’t. It’s not my fault that there are so many astounding achievements and statistical anomalies, that it has become my journalistic duty to investigate what is making the club so successful on behalf of the Punter and Dribbler. If it happens to be in the form of masturbatory dribbler, that’s just an added bonus.

One of the biggest stories to come out of the club this year is the rise of replacement fullback Nicho Hynes, who is currently second for try assists and line-break assists, despite playing only 11 games. Many pundits would have guessed that the Storm would struggle without Ryan Papenhuyzen, but a look back into Melbourne’s recent history proves they’ve been a treasure trove of fullbacks for years.

When Billy Slater debuted in 2003, no one knew at the time that he would change the way fullbacks play the game, and help usher in a period of dominance for the club. In 2005, a young throbber named Greg Inglis joined the club, who despite only playing a handful games at fullback during his time, went on to be one of the greats of our modern game.

As Slater’s career went on and his form only improved, a pale Englishman started making his way through the ranks at the storm, after scoring two tries and kicking the winning goal at fullback in the under 20’s grand final. No one could deny the young lad had talent, but with Slater standing ahead of him, there was no way he would get a run at fullback in the purple jersey.

slater

 

2010 saw the salary cap scandal hit the Melbourne Storm like nothing had ever hit them before, forcing Craig Bellamy to restructure his side and blood some young talent. So, Bellamy used his magical coaching powers to turn Gareth Widdop from a fullback into an elite, premiership winning half, and it wouldn’t be the last time he’ll pull this trick.

In 2014, Billy Slater suffered a season ending shoulder injury, forcing the storm to once again dig into their fullback stocks. 20 year old Rockhampton boy Cameron Munster was waiting in the wings, and stepped up to play two seasons at fullback and prove himself to be one to watch for the next generation. When Slater heroically returned from consecutive shoulder surgeries, Bellamy once again waived his magic wand and Munster turned into not just any half, but one of the competitions best.

When Slater finally retired at the end of 2018, Bellamy knew it wouldn’t be an easy task to fill his shoes, and he searched far and wide for a suitable replacement. The two favourites were Scott Drinkwater and Jahrome Hughes with far outsiders Nicho Hynes and Ryan Papenhuyzen barely known by even most storm fans.

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An unfortunate injury to Scott Drinkwater led to Hughes getting the nod for the start of the season, but after Papenhuyzen’s blistering start to his career made it impossible to leave him out of the 17, Bellamy once again waved his magic wand and turned fullback into halfback. Since shifting to halfback, Jahrome Hughes has grown his game to now challenge Nathan Cleary for the status of premier half in the game.

The Storm have taken their game to another level with Papenhuyzen and Hughes in the spine, and amazingly have continued that momentum with Hynes filling in. Already Nicho has lifted the premiership trophy and origin shield, without playing a minute in either game. Imagine how good he’ll be when he does get a run. Just like so many before him, Hynes is tipped to hang up the number one jersey to try a stint in the halves, and if history is any indicator, it’ll be just another to add to the long list.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site