5 Medieval Torture Techniques that Still Aren’t Harsh Enough for People who Leak Videos of Their Mates

5 Medieval Torture Techniques that Still Aren’t Harsh Enough for People who Leak Videos of Their Mates




If you ever needed any proof that the law doesn’t always equal morality, look no further than this. In the last two days, videos have emerged of two of the game’s finest young athletes enjoying themselves after a long, tough season. The videos allegedly show them partaking in “illegal” behaviour, and they will no doubt face consequences for that in the form of suspensions or fines. Yet there’s one person in this situation who has committed a heinous crime, yet will go largely unpunished, the Rat.

We often see rats in the public sphere hanging off footy players in pubs and clubs, scavenging for 15 seconds of daily-mail-worthy video in an attempt to get their own 15 seconds of fame. Such is the world we’re living in that this is a part of public life, but when the rat has scurried its way into the inside, decisive action is needed. I’ve come up with a few suggestions that, while inadequate, can provide a basis to begin a proper punishment procedure.


The Scold’s Bridle



Commonly featured in Britain during the 16th and 17th centuries, these iron muzzles were mostly forced on women who were accused of gossiping, witchcraft, or general “riotous language.” As well as stopping the wearer from speaking, it often contained spikes on the inside of the mouthpiece. Perhaps a fitting punishment for a modern-day traitorous gossip.


Rat Torture



Originating in ancient Rome, rat torture involved tying a prisoner down and letting hungry rats go wild all over them. Used mainly for interrogation, the method was revived by fascist governments in South America during the 20th century. A well-suited punishment that certainly fits the crime, the perpetrator may actually feel at home among his brethren.


The Man Cage



Less torture, more public humiliation, the Man Cage was used in England and Italy where prisoners would be left suspended for days in the town square. To modernise this practice, maybe we could tie a man cage to the spider cam wires at the grand final. It would be a chance to let the crowd air their grievances in a cathartic pre-game ritual that could even become a yearly tradition, fit right in between the retiring players parade and a live performance by someone who had a mildly successful hit 8 years ago.


The Judas Cradle



Just as Judas himself betrayed Jesus (of Christ fame), so has the rat betrayed two of our game’s most holy and treasured leaders. This horrific punishment saw the perpetrator forced to sit on a wooden or iron pyramid for hours or even days until they either confessed or had suffered enough. It seems only fair that whatever suspensions the players serve, the rat should have to serve double the amount of time on the Judas Cradle.


The Pear of Anguish



I’ll let you figure this one out…




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