Your Dribbly Guide to New Years Resolutions
Your Dribbly Guide to New Years Resolutions
Intern Brayden
It’s that time of year where hours, days, and weeks all blend together and your concept of time has gone out the window. As we close the door on 2021 many of us will reflect on the ups and downs of the past 365 days before we look ahead to next year. Most people will stick to the tried and tested (boring) resolutions, whether that be getting fit or reading a book a week, however, I’m here to provide you with some truly dribbly alternatives. These physical, spiritual, and mental affirmations are ones that if followed will be sure to morph you into the best possible version of yourself you can be.
#1 I will not refuse a come on – If you consider yourself a Punter and/or a Dribbler, this mating cry simply cannot be ignored. Similar to repairing your pitch marks and making eye contact with a handshake, this is dribbler etiquette 101.
#2 I will not eat more than 5 Ferrero’s in one sitting – As soon as it hits January 2 this one comes into effect. With 5g’s of sugar per Ferrero, the days of pounding 16 into the earth are doing a lot more harm than good.
#3 I will run a sub 12 (to scale) – This resolution is scalable based on your age with base numbers taken from an 18-year old, where every 5 years adds on 0.5 seconds to the goal time. With Tom claiming this was achieved in high school, he should be aiming for a sub 13/13.5 come the end of 2022, and following this formula should be something everybody is capable of working towards.
#4 I will not order a schnitzel with only one serve of gravy – If you truly want to change your life, you will try this and never turn back. Pour over your first serve to lube up your schnitzel, chips and salad and keep your second available for dipping purposes only, a luxury that was previously not available.
#5 I will not break any punting commandments – Dating back to 2000 BC, these commandments are the cornerstone of a punters life. So important in fact, that God even tried putting his own spin on them when Moses climbed Sinai. When we say ‘gamble responsibly’, that is really us pleading with you to hold strong and not waiver from any of these orders.
#6 I will not create a burner account – The world is divided into two groups. It’s not males and females, it’s those with burner accounts and those without. Vale Sam Davis
#7 I will not instigate a fight with anybody with spacers – 2022 is the year to let go of any built up anger or resentment and be the bigger man. If you find yourself at your local watching some UFC and some bloke with spacers stands in your way, I implore you to keep what you have to say to yourself. As my grandmother said, ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all’
#9 I will learn how to install child-proof window locks – It is most likely that the majority of us either have kids or will one day soon enough, and so this is a skill that will certainly come in useful. The last thing you want is for your future mother-in-law to make fun of your handyman skills.
Follow along with these specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timely goals Punters and Dribblers and I can almost guarantee that come the end of the year, you will have the body of your dreams, a flooding bank account, a smoking hot partner and mental clarity rivalling the Dalai Lama.
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